My niece, posted on one of my comments on Facebook about how forgiveness is difficult, especially when someone has wronged you sorely. I wrote the following reply, which instead of just a few paragraphs really blossomed into something more. I thought I would share it here.
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This is what she said:
"So, I have this issue: I know I should forgive, but I honestly don't know how to forgive those who have committed serious wrongs against me..."
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My reply...
Well Chantyl, forgiveness is no easy task sometimes, if it were everyone would do it and be removed of the painful feelings and hurt that they have. ;)
Sometimes it is a chore and a task and it takes awhile and quite a bit of effort to let go of the wrong and move beyond the event or the moment. Sometimes we really don’t want to do it, because we feel, or we are, justified in the fact that a wrong or a grievance was committed against us.
I will share one of my stories of one of the most difficult times I had forgiving someone, and Girl, it took several years of significant effort on my part to do it all the way, but that was because I wanted to let go of my anger and hurt, more than I wanted to hold on to the injustice that was committed against me.
There was a man in a position of leadership over me, and he was young and full of his own ideas, and he was foolish in some of the decisions that he made and the things that he said. He judged people because of the things they had and the things they didn’t have, and he made decisions that impacted their responsibilities and opportunities based on their material goods.
I was a diligent worker and a good leader, and I was committed to my cause and I loved the people that I worked with and that I served, but that is not what he saw. What he saw was what I didn’t have and he considered that to be a lack of stability and commitment on my part, and so he removed opportunity for service, for light and for love from me.
I was infuriated and insulted. I loved what I did, I loved the people that I served and I wanted nothing more than to be doing what I was doing! How dare he tell me I wasn’t good enough?? How dare he tell me that I wasn’t committed?? How dare he tell me that my time was up?? My hair was Set. On. Fire. My pride was wounded. I wasn’t much older than you are, only a few years, and because of my thoughts and my anger, in turn, I made my own judgments against him. It was an ugly thing I had in my heart against this man. And so I removed myself and stewed and felt justified in my absolute disgust of him and his incompetence, and sadly enough, I did have hatred for him and anything to do with him.
While I felt justified, and in the right, I carried that upset around with me and every time I saw him I wished him death, or at least significant pain, anguish and discomfort. I know, not nice. My thoughts were dark, and I had little fantasies of his demise which always brought me a tingle of dark pleasure. I wanted him to suffer and feel tragic the way he had made me suffer and feel tragic. I wanted to hate him forever.
But life goes on, and unless we continue to stoke our own fires and to dwell on our upset and to get ourselves all fired up again, often our feelings can start to soften and mellow with time.
So, after a time, I got to thinking about it and I realized that I was tired of feeling so angry and so upset every time his name came up in conversation or every time I saw him. It didn’t change that he had done me wrong, it didn’t change that I still thought he had made the wrong decision, but that wasn’t the point anymore. I just didn’t want him hanging in my life that way anymore. I was tired of thinking about it, tired of caring about it, and I thought “How have I let his stupidity impact other areas of my life in this way?” And so I made it my mission to let go of this pain, this upset, these feelings of injustice.
How did I do it? Every time, and I mean EVERY TIME, I thought of him or I saw him, I infused my face with a genuine smile and shook his hand and asked him how he was doing and I MEANT it. O.k. at first I didn’t but I knew this was the path, so I made my lessons of working with customer service come to the forefront. I infused my voice with a smile and made my lips do it. I practiced sincerity, and after several opportunities (this was a person I saw weekly at the least), it began to work.
After awhile, we moved and I was not involved with this person from that point forward. However, I knew that I had not completely let it go. I did still harbor resentment, and sometimes, when I was feeling sorry for myself, or something didn’t go my way, though it had nothing to do with this individual, I would blame him. Because it was easy, and because even though I had somewhat forgiven, I hadn’t let go all the way. And so, with a renewed intensity in controlling my thoughts and my feelings, I made myself move on.
The true test came several years later when I knew that I would come across this individual at a family event for a very close friend. I knew this person would be there and I thought “Well, the truth will be told about your heart here, Tracy. We will see what we will see.” And so I went, with some trepidation, because I wanted very badly to pass this test. I really wanted to be done. I had matured, time had passed, I had worked on it with effort, and I wanted it proven that I had moved on and left these things in my history.
The event was lovely. I saw this man with his family. I walked up to him, and there was a surprised look on his face when he saw me, but he smiled. I smiled, and said “Hello!” I shook his hand and I asked him how he was doing, how had he been? We talked briefly and parted.
From the minute that I reached forward with my hand, I knew it was over. I knew that I had passed the test and that my efforts were true to their mark and I was done. There was a great sense of peace and actual joy that came over me to know that the stupidity and nonsense of the past was over, both on his part and on mine.
The story doesn’t change, because what happened was what happened. It was the feelings that changed, it was the handling that changed and the desire to let go that had changed the incident into one of learning vs. one of perpetual anger.
People learn on us Chantyl, and sometimes we learn on them. Sometimes other individuals make choices and decisions that bump into our lives and they make a mark. Sometimes they mark us for good, but sometimes they hurt us and they leave behind a hurt that turns into a scar. It is the way of life, and something that we must learn to deal with. How we deal with those bumps, bruises, cuts and pains is what makes us who we are. Obviously we don’t always get to choose how people impact us because life and people are full of the unexpected. What we do get to choose is how we deal, how we cope, how we learn, how we move on, and learning and forgiving is a big part of that, and learning and forgiving and growing is something that, hopefully, we do all of our lives.
Let me emphasize this though. Just because you forgive someone of the wrongs they have committed against you does not mean you expose yourself, or make yourself vulnerable to their antics again in the future. It also does not mean that you have to be bosom buddies, you don’t even have to remain friends. Sometimes, times of friendship or acquaintanceship come to an end and it is over, however, civility should still be intact. Sometimes, depending on the circumstance, we just move on and we leave the incident in our past and we use it as a stepping-stone of learning, of maturing and moving on.
No one can make you forgive another person. And just because you do forgive doesn’t mean that you forget. I know people say “forgive and forget,” but what the saying really means is forgive and let go. Significant events in our life have a way of sticking with us, what with memory and all of that… ;) …but moving on is the key piece, moving past, and moving into our new joy and happiness with the things that we have learned from.
Of course if you choose to forgive someone, and to continue to associate with them, that also means that you don’t continue to hold past events against them. You learn, and change, but you don’t keep bringing it up and holding it over their head, or holding the friendship for ransom because of it. That puts you in the wrong and that isn’t somewhere you want to go.
Anyway—the point of my long diatribe is that no, it’s not easy, but you do it, because it’s the right thing to do. And no, sometimes it is not a quick recovery, sometimes it takes a long time to figure it out. You can do it. You just have to make up your mind on your course of action, and how you want to approach it. I wish you luck and love, and I believe in you. :D
*****
This is what she said:
"So, I have this issue: I know I should forgive, but I honestly don't know how to forgive those who have committed serious wrongs against me..."
*****
My reply...
Well Chantyl, forgiveness is no easy task sometimes, if it were everyone would do it and be removed of the painful feelings and hurt that they have. ;)
Sometimes it is a chore and a task and it takes awhile and quite a bit of effort to let go of the wrong and move beyond the event or the moment. Sometimes we really don’t want to do it, because we feel, or we are, justified in the fact that a wrong or a grievance was committed against us.
I will share one of my stories of one of the most difficult times I had forgiving someone, and Girl, it took several years of significant effort on my part to do it all the way, but that was because I wanted to let go of my anger and hurt, more than I wanted to hold on to the injustice that was committed against me.
There was a man in a position of leadership over me, and he was young and full of his own ideas, and he was foolish in some of the decisions that he made and the things that he said. He judged people because of the things they had and the things they didn’t have, and he made decisions that impacted their responsibilities and opportunities based on their material goods.
I was a diligent worker and a good leader, and I was committed to my cause and I loved the people that I worked with and that I served, but that is not what he saw. What he saw was what I didn’t have and he considered that to be a lack of stability and commitment on my part, and so he removed opportunity for service, for light and for love from me.
I was infuriated and insulted. I loved what I did, I loved the people that I served and I wanted nothing more than to be doing what I was doing! How dare he tell me I wasn’t good enough?? How dare he tell me that I wasn’t committed?? How dare he tell me that my time was up?? My hair was Set. On. Fire. My pride was wounded. I wasn’t much older than you are, only a few years, and because of my thoughts and my anger, in turn, I made my own judgments against him. It was an ugly thing I had in my heart against this man. And so I removed myself and stewed and felt justified in my absolute disgust of him and his incompetence, and sadly enough, I did have hatred for him and anything to do with him.
While I felt justified, and in the right, I carried that upset around with me and every time I saw him I wished him death, or at least significant pain, anguish and discomfort. I know, not nice. My thoughts were dark, and I had little fantasies of his demise which always brought me a tingle of dark pleasure. I wanted him to suffer and feel tragic the way he had made me suffer and feel tragic. I wanted to hate him forever.
But life goes on, and unless we continue to stoke our own fires and to dwell on our upset and to get ourselves all fired up again, often our feelings can start to soften and mellow with time.
So, after a time, I got to thinking about it and I realized that I was tired of feeling so angry and so upset every time his name came up in conversation or every time I saw him. It didn’t change that he had done me wrong, it didn’t change that I still thought he had made the wrong decision, but that wasn’t the point anymore. I just didn’t want him hanging in my life that way anymore. I was tired of thinking about it, tired of caring about it, and I thought “How have I let his stupidity impact other areas of my life in this way?” And so I made it my mission to let go of this pain, this upset, these feelings of injustice.
How did I do it? Every time, and I mean EVERY TIME, I thought of him or I saw him, I infused my face with a genuine smile and shook his hand and asked him how he was doing and I MEANT it. O.k. at first I didn’t but I knew this was the path, so I made my lessons of working with customer service come to the forefront. I infused my voice with a smile and made my lips do it. I practiced sincerity, and after several opportunities (this was a person I saw weekly at the least), it began to work.
After awhile, we moved and I was not involved with this person from that point forward. However, I knew that I had not completely let it go. I did still harbor resentment, and sometimes, when I was feeling sorry for myself, or something didn’t go my way, though it had nothing to do with this individual, I would blame him. Because it was easy, and because even though I had somewhat forgiven, I hadn’t let go all the way. And so, with a renewed intensity in controlling my thoughts and my feelings, I made myself move on.
The true test came several years later when I knew that I would come across this individual at a family event for a very close friend. I knew this person would be there and I thought “Well, the truth will be told about your heart here, Tracy. We will see what we will see.” And so I went, with some trepidation, because I wanted very badly to pass this test. I really wanted to be done. I had matured, time had passed, I had worked on it with effort, and I wanted it proven that I had moved on and left these things in my history.
The event was lovely. I saw this man with his family. I walked up to him, and there was a surprised look on his face when he saw me, but he smiled. I smiled, and said “Hello!” I shook his hand and I asked him how he was doing, how had he been? We talked briefly and parted.
From the minute that I reached forward with my hand, I knew it was over. I knew that I had passed the test and that my efforts were true to their mark and I was done. There was a great sense of peace and actual joy that came over me to know that the stupidity and nonsense of the past was over, both on his part and on mine.
The story doesn’t change, because what happened was what happened. It was the feelings that changed, it was the handling that changed and the desire to let go that had changed the incident into one of learning vs. one of perpetual anger.
People learn on us Chantyl, and sometimes we learn on them. Sometimes other individuals make choices and decisions that bump into our lives and they make a mark. Sometimes they mark us for good, but sometimes they hurt us and they leave behind a hurt that turns into a scar. It is the way of life, and something that we must learn to deal with. How we deal with those bumps, bruises, cuts and pains is what makes us who we are. Obviously we don’t always get to choose how people impact us because life and people are full of the unexpected. What we do get to choose is how we deal, how we cope, how we learn, how we move on, and learning and forgiving is a big part of that, and learning and forgiving and growing is something that, hopefully, we do all of our lives.
Let me emphasize this though. Just because you forgive someone of the wrongs they have committed against you does not mean you expose yourself, or make yourself vulnerable to their antics again in the future. It also does not mean that you have to be bosom buddies, you don’t even have to remain friends. Sometimes, times of friendship or acquaintanceship come to an end and it is over, however, civility should still be intact. Sometimes, depending on the circumstance, we just move on and we leave the incident in our past and we use it as a stepping-stone of learning, of maturing and moving on.
No one can make you forgive another person. And just because you do forgive doesn’t mean that you forget. I know people say “forgive and forget,” but what the saying really means is forgive and let go. Significant events in our life have a way of sticking with us, what with memory and all of that… ;) …but moving on is the key piece, moving past, and moving into our new joy and happiness with the things that we have learned from.
Of course if you choose to forgive someone, and to continue to associate with them, that also means that you don’t continue to hold past events against them. You learn, and change, but you don’t keep bringing it up and holding it over their head, or holding the friendship for ransom because of it. That puts you in the wrong and that isn’t somewhere you want to go.
Anyway—the point of my long diatribe is that no, it’s not easy, but you do it, because it’s the right thing to do. And no, sometimes it is not a quick recovery, sometimes it takes a long time to figure it out. You can do it. You just have to make up your mind on your course of action, and how you want to approach it. I wish you luck and love, and I believe in you. :D
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