Ruben's Beauties and Getting the Pink Slip

I was browsing through some old writings that I have saved away and came across a little gem I wrote shortly after getting laid off. It's a description of the start of the day, with no idea whatsoever with how it would end. Gives me a chuckle every time I come across it. Nothing like the simple habits and routines of the day to give you perspective on how little control you actually have over the big and unexpected events of your life.

Here it is...Enjoy.

"Wait...what?? I'm getting the pink slip?"

The harbingers of fate gave no warning that morning as I got up and got ready for my day. I woke up, blinked, cheery as usual but slow to wake. I scooched the covers back…I’m not a thrower-backer of the blankets…I like to linger a bit in their warmth…and it was a damn cold January morning to be going anywhere anyway…and gradually sat my recently slumbering bones up.

Feet on the floor. Feet on the floor. Whooooaaaaa feet on the floor! My mantra. I know that if I can just get my feet on the floor and not actually tip backwards back onto the pillows as I tuck my feet back under the still warm blankets for just a quick snuggle, that I may actually be on time…and I have to be on time today, no messing about. Today is our off-site beginning of the year strategic planning meeting. Lateness will not be tolerated today, that’s for sure, plus I was going to have to present to the group and I wanted to be fresh as a daisy, not worn out like a little lackluster weed.

Up, out and in to the shower I go. Pits and parts all scrubbed up, hair washed, out, out, out…argh…it’s cold. Big robe, dry off, lean on the bed, read a few pages in my book, look at the clock…no more minutes to be wasted…on with the day. Robe off, back into the bathroom, and the routine begins. All brushing and picking and plucking done… nose blown (tweezing my eyebrows always, without fail, makes me sneeze), and the make up application begins. I need to make sure I’m fully with-it today, inevitably some clown always brings a camera to these things to capture the “team” moments and I don’t want to look like a troll. So, full make up, full hair today, no slouching around, no ponytails and lip gloss. What am I going to wear?

Once the make up is done, on to the hair. Spray mousse, to eliminate getting so much on your hands, but no matter what you do it’s still going to get on your hands. Whatever. Head upside down, blow dryer on, bend at the waist…good I can still touch my toes…and noise, hot air and hair blowing all around. This blow dryer is like a jet airliner landing on my head…I really would like one of those salon dryers that you can barely hear. As it is there could be a SWAT team breaking in downstairs and I would never even know it until they busted through the bedroom door and I look up through the bathroom doorway between strands of wet hair at the horrified look of the policeman wondering who the chubby naked lady is making all this racket…but I digress.

Upside down, I think about my day some more. I got both of my presentations turned in, they looked good and I chopped them down significantly. Still working on that “too wordy/too much information” problem I’ve got. “Talk more, write less”…my newly counseled mantra. What else, the car needs to go in for a Jiffy Lube, but not today. I hope the catered lunch doesn’t suck. I shouldn’t have read those pages in my book, I could have had breakfast. Oh well. Maybe there is a NutriGrain bar or something I can grab before I go. That and a Caffeine Free Diet Coke, the bubbles will help. Do my calves really look like that?? Ugh. Gotta go to water aerobics tonight or something.

O.k. dry hair, fix it, fix it…is that a silver hair????? And another one…wait…3 more????? 3+1+the 2 I found the other day…6…WTF?????? Add “dye hair” to list of things to do. Hair spray is almost out, need to do grocery store/Wal*Mart list. Speaking of, I need to decide what I’m making for dinner tonight.

All right. Almost done. What time is it? O.k. a little hustle wouldn’t hurt. Closets open…so much to wear…so little time…I hate all my clothes…o.k….something really comfortable because no doubt there will be a rolling-around-on-the-floor-get-blindfolded-fall-into-your-coworkers-arms-do-you-trust-each-other moment. I don’t want to look bound up or tear anything from the strain of my oh-so-Rubenesque female form. I was made for paint in the 1600’s. Maybe Rubens “Venus at the Mirror” only with dark hair instead of blonde. Yep…probably that one.

Peter Paul Ruben's "Venus at the Mirror"

O.k. Comfy pants, shoes that won’t slip on any invisible water in the tiled hallway, so I don’t fall down and make a complete and utter ass of myself in front of my co-workers. And this pretty blouse, it’s comfortable, it looks nice (I won’t look like the wife of Sr. Troll in all of the pictures that will be taken) and I’ll be able to play business-team-twister if it comes to that. Jewelry—something that doesn’t clink every time I move. No bracelets, I’ll just end up taking them off every time I have to write something down. Necklace, watch, earrings, rings…all done.

O.K. Time to get out the door. Grabbing lipstick, lip gloss and blush. My book that I’m reading just in case there is time during lunch. Oh, who am I kidding, I’ll be chatty Cathy all during lunchtime. Lights out, down the stairs. Glass of water, take pills, grab breakfast bar, Diet Coke…no caffeine…boo, cell phone, purse, iPod, laptop bag (is the computer in it…yes…all my papers… yes), keys, coat (put on…yes…no…yes…no…it’ll be warm enough in the car), keys and out the door I go…wait…porch lights off…o.k. now I’m off.

Once I’m packed into the car, iPod is connected but not being listened to, maybe a little Laura Ingraham instead, I’m on my way. I always enjoy the drive into work, unless the weather and the traffic are horrible and conspiring against me. And today should be a nice day. I do enjoy the off sites, it’s nice to get away from the office every once in awhile, and the company is nice. As I drive the hour in to work my mind continues to check things off and mull things over. I think about how my presentation will go and will I get any questions that I don’t know the answers to. I hate that when that happens. But, I think I’m ready, I’ve come a long way and actually feel like I know what I’m talking about and that I actually sound like I know what I’m talking about. Sometimes those two things do not coincide.

Typical, there are boat loads of idiots on the road this morning and plenty of semi-trucks. I hate driving next to them. I’m just a tiny little bug on the road compared to them and they drive like maniacs in the weather and the traffic. But whatever, pass them and keep out of their way. Wow—that woman is actually talking on her cell phone, eating and driving at the same time. Large nice SUV…probability that she will cause an accident someday without ever knowing it, ruining someone’s day and perhaps their life in the process…pretty much 100%. Fred Flintstone-mobile on the right, student. Needs to get even further over on the right.

Great. I almost had a heart attack when that giant boulder hit my windshield. Damn gravel trucks. Lucky that didn’t crack the windshield! It was loud enough and big enough. I already have divots and dings everywhere, and a chunk of glass missing out of the middle of the windshield. Luckily it hasn’t cracked. I looked the car over the other day, and the nicks and pings in the paint and the windshield are too many to count. Of course they are tiny…not my point. But, this commute is definitely taking its toll day by day.

**Fast forward through the commute and the settling in to the conference.**

So far, pretty smooth day. My presentation went well and was well received. Now, I'm getting the 10:30 snooze-a-roo's. Ugh. I hate that. I can hardly keep my eyes open. Maybe some bubbles or some juice will help. It is warm in here. It's killing me!! Begin pinching of the arms and the biting of the inside of the cheek. Yes. It usually works. Now onward and upward through the remainder of the morning.

Finally--the lunch break. C'est incroyable! Is someone who is not a vegetarian really bitching about not having a vegetarian lunch?? I know they took orders ahead of time from everyone, they should have thought about it then. Ahhh, well, who cares. I'm just happy to be up and walking around and stretching my legs for a few minutes. The presentations were good, but this is a cramped, underground, hot little room, I feel like I'm about to go into hibernation here. I mean, I can *only* get naked...that would not be good for any of us...put on a sweater if you're cold or go do some jumping jacks in the hallway or something. Sheesh.

Anyway, looks like the team activity will not constitute anything like a trust fall or Twister, so I'm pretty happy about that. Looks like my boss is leaving unexpectedly. Wonder what's up.

**Move forward through a team building activity and then the afternoon break.**

Here comes the Admin. Huh--wonder what's up. Wow. My boss needs me back to the office. As I walk out to the car I start speculating. Wonder what it is. All the reports are turned in and current. The budget is in. The travel reports are done. There are no outstandings on the Financial year end reports, or month end Financial reports. Well, I guess I will know soon enough.

As I get into the turn lane to go down the street back to my place of employ, I think to myself "Maybe I'm getting the pink slip." In fact, I call my husband to tell him what's up and that I'm heading back to work and don't know if there's been some last minute request for data and/or reporting and so I might be late coming home that night. As a last minute quip, I say "Who knows, maybe I'm getting fired." And I laugh. Oh yes...I laugh.

I pull into the parking lot, park my car and head in and up to our room and to my boss's office. She ushers me in, asks me to close the door, pushes a box of Kleenex my way, and looks really worried. Now, she's a strong woman and an excellent leader, but are her eyes glistening?? What is going on? She tells me she has some unexpected news and to steel myself for it. Now I'm crazy curious. She lowers the boom and I find out that I'm right! I'm getting let go. I'm out of a job. After closer to 15 than to 10 years, I'm out the door...in a few weeks that is--once I've cleaned everything up and trained everyone who needs training on how to do what I do.

Now she's a thoughtful woman and she's worried about my feelings, but strangely enough, I'm not upset. I mean I can't go up against this type of a machine. I don't even want to. I've been looking for a change, so "Surprise!!" here you go. Be careful what you wish for.

So now, in a tidy little way, I'm given an out. But let's be honest...it's still a shock.

She gives me the next day off. They are announcing everything tomorrow. I know it's done to spare my feelings and to help me fend off the plethora of commentaries and questions that will no doubt come my way over the next few days and weeks. I'm happy to take the day. I'm happy not to be in the middle of the awkwardness...and most of all...I'm happy to stay at home and roll all of this over and over and over again in my mind. What do I do now? It's not like they give you a guide or an owner's manual to this next phase of your life. I guess we'll see what happens. I don't know what is waiting or how it will go but I'm excited about some time off at home. That much I do know for sure, for sure.

***Addendum clarification per the Beloved:
I was laid off with the bulk of the department due to budget cuts, it was not a performance issue. I thought it was obvious...because I'm awesome possum like that... ;)