May10, 2010
Happy Mother's Day to all of you wonderful, beautiful, talented, loving, and persevering mom's! You do a tremendous and important---the MOST important---job there is in the world to do---being a mom. You change futures and societies through your actions. Thank you for all of the wonderful, and often unsung, work you do!! :)
****
Some days I don't feel cheerful or very happy...so I make myself be it...I force it---most of the time it works out that I'm able to change my mood and then I'm my genuine happy self and am glad for it. Sometimes I don't want to force it though, and I feel neutral and tired and I just don't care.
Today is one of the latter days. But I'm going to force it anyway. It's Mother's Day and it should be happy and good for the mom's.
It's my least favorite holiday---I'd rather it be Columbus Day or National Celebrate Lined Paper Day---not because of my circumstance, but because everybody looks at me with pity eyes and relief eyes that they are not me, and how can I possibly function not being a mother?
They say awkward things meant to comfort, but it doesn't, it's just awkward, and then I end up comforting them for feeling bad about me, saying "Its OK." with a small smile. And then they walk away happier for having their own life instead of mine and I stand uncomforted, awkward and continuing to march along my trail alone in my thoughts and feelings with my empty womb and childless arms.
In this minute I am sad. In this 15 seconds, I hate them all just a little bit and I feel guilty about it, because I love them all dearly and really do think they are wonderful and beautiful, gifted and talented, delightful and loving, and I don't know what I would do without them---but even so, it doesn't change how I feel in these 15 seconds of selfish desperation for what I want so badly and feel like I will never have...and I still feel bad about it...so here I stand in silence and smiles, hoping but not expecting...in any way whatsoever.
:\
No comments:
Post a Comment