Would You Like a Shake to Go With Your Sciatica?

I’m eating my yogurt, because it’s healthy. And I’m thinking, because I need some free-range brain time. And in my thoughts I’m wondering where I’m going and what I’m doing next. I’m thinking these things because I haven’t figured it the hell out already and this is my task this year. Some tasks take a little longer than others especially when you’re working on what you’ve done so far and what you want to do with the next half of your life. I’ve got ideas and notions and some things are starting to gel but it’s not done cooking, it’s still pretty soft and liquidy in the middle. I'm looking at the toothpick and thinking another few months in the oven should do it. Should be a pretty good cake when it is finally set.

Sometimes I think perhaps I’m simple. I’m simple in my thoughts and desires. I use to want to be a lawyer and then a politician. I had an agenda and I wanted to save the world—change the world—help the world. Now, I want to make jewelry and work in my garden and go swimming in the ocean everyday and the thought of politics literally turns my stomach and gives me a headache. I still want to help people though, that hasn’t changed.

I want to make a comfortable living for myself and my family. I’d like a new(er) car and I’d like not to be bossed around by someone else’s timetable, unless of course I’ve contracted with them on an amazing project.

What has happened to me?

This is why you choose a profession in your early 20’s—because that is when you are gung ho and you want to make a big splash on the scene of life. You are full of vim and vigor and you’re chomping at the bit to be cut loose and free on the world.

By the time you hit your 30’s you’ve learned. You know that there are a lot of a-holes out there and that they are only out to get theirs. But that’s o.k. because you are solidly into being an adult and you are hitting your stride. You’re confident and you can tell people “No.” mostly without feeling guilty.

Then come the crazy 40’s where you know that people in their 20’s are full of energy but are mostly still crazy kids running around learning on everybody else and are still maturing and trying to figure it out, but that’s o.k. because they are doing all of the footwork saving the world and making changes that need to get done. You know that in your 30’s (which you liked) you thought you just didn’t quite have it, you weren’t quite there yet, and you realize now that you really did have it all and you’re sorry you’re not still there. In your 40’s, you know who you are and what you think and you’re confident in that. At the same time your life is tipped and off kilter and though you know who you are you realize that you really know nothing at all and it is disconcerting.

You find yourself trying to eat healthy, and the shake you bought with dinner last night? Yeah, it was too big and you took a few bites and then got some Saran wrap out and wrapped it up and stuck it in the freezer thinking “I can’t eat that this late, it’s going to give me wicked heartburn. What was I thinking??”…oh yeah, that was me last night. ;)

All of the sudden you have these aches and pains and silver hairs and a wrinkle here and there. After sitting too long you try to stand up and you feel crippled and you’ve got to stretch and shake it all out. Then there is the time when you’re at the grocery store looking for the items on your list, and you realize you can’t quite read what is on the very bottom row of the shelves and you think “What the hell?...what does that say?” to the sudden realization of “What is it I’m looking for? to the tune of “Holy sh** I’ve become my parents.”

I gave a talk in church a couple of months back. I wasn’t wearing my contacts and was in glasses. I thought I looked nice and I was prepared and ready to go. I get up to give my talk and realize that “Houston, we have got a very serious problem here.” I could see the audience just fine with my glasses on, but transitioning down to my written pages…yeah, that was not working out so well and with the microphone in the way, that added a third dimension that was not usually an issue when I’ve worn contacts while giving a talk.

So while I’m kicking off my speech, I’m panicking deep down in the inner reaches of my rib cage. My heart starts thudding and I’m feeling slightly ill and thinking “I can’t see, what am I going to do???” and simultaneously “Keep it together girl, you can do this, figure it out and for goodness sake get that heartbeat under control so you’re not the chubby lady with the happy smile who keeled over at church while talking about being kind and loving Jesus! You’ll scar the children. Think of the children!”

So I’m working it out and peeking beneath my glasses and over my glasses and then I realize I’m touching my glasses, a big no-no because that can become a twitch and a habit and you don’t want to distract from what you are saying. So I put my hands down and pushed forward. My solution? I had to suck it up and work it out—as in I had to work around my aging eyes and glasses and microphone without looking like an idiot. I couldn’t take the glasses off, because that would have just been odd to have everyone in the audience be super fuzzy and it would have been distracting, so I just paced myself, and focused my brain on the task at hand and got it done. The talk went well, I wasn’t lost in translation but I did vow to never wear glasses for public speaking again.

And do you see these last few paragraphs? Complaining about my aging which is what old people do all the time. “My sciatica!”; “Oy, my cataracts!’; “My bunions!”; “I can’t eat onions anymore! It gives me gas.” Which when you hear that from your grandpa, you’re like “Geez, grandpa—TMI!! Sheesh!” or whatever it is that each individual has as their complaint.

I’ll bet you didn’t know that at 40 there is some kind of inner alarm clock that booms and everybody running the inner machine thinks “Phew! I have been WAITING for this coffee break!” and they go off duty and they’re smokin’ and jokin’ out back, and meanwhile you’re waking up overnight with aches and pains you never could have imagined and you truly feel your mortality—which alarms you and gives you a little kick of panic and so you think “Crap—I really need to get it together and start exercising more and taking care of myself. “

Which brings us back around to the eating healthy, and the thought that I had in the first place when I started writing this up…Where am I and what have I come to when I’m thinking the following…

Dannon’s Light and Fit Vanilla Yogurt is unexpectedly delightful and palatable. I’m shocked that 80 calories could taste this good…I know…I sound like a commercial but I mean it…or maybe I’m just really hungry…because I’m old and I eat lunch at 11:00 a.m. and dinner at 5:00 with the Golden Girls.

1979 and a Big Lifelong Love Affair

Mom & Dad & Me: 1976

I'm building a new playlist tonight to put on the ole' blog here--something autumnal and delightful and I've been bouncing all over Playlist.com while doing it.

It doesn't really matter how I got to the website... "The Top 100 Seventies Singles," what matters is all of the awesomeness that I found there. What matters is the re-acquaintance with all types of auditory delights from my childhood. What matters is that I remembered that my parents use to go Disco Dancing down in Brazil...yup...my parents did a little titch of clubbing in their time.

What matters is I remember the crazy love my parents were in when I was a little kid.

In 1979 my mom was a goddess and my dad was the world. They were perfect and bigger than life, because frankly, you're little--and they are your life. They are your tether to food, clothing, roof, love and everything else you need and want--they can crush you and you're glad when they don't.

Before I digress too far along, these are the Top 10 Singles of 1979:

1."My Sharona" - The Knack
2."Le Freak" - Chic
3."Do Ya Think I'm Sexy?" - Rod Stewart
4."Bad Girls" - Donna Summer
5."YMCA" - Village People
6."Reunited" - Peaches and Herb
7."Ring My Bell" - Anita Ward
8."I Will Survive" - Gloria Gaynor
9."Too Much Heaven" - Bee Gees
10."Hot Stuff" - Donna Summer

Oh, I know every one of these songs--and I have loved them for over 30 years. Yes, I know I just totally dated myself but who cares, I've decided to embrace my age, I've earned it and there is no time machine, and because of that--time marches on and waits for no man or balking woman.

Anyway...

I remember my mom getting dressed up in this beautiful pink ensemble and stiletto dancing heels, her hair curled and fluffed, her makeup on, and her lipstick just so, waiting to go out with my dad. I remember my dad coming home and getting ready to go out and he always smelled so good when he would hug us goodnight as they were ready to head out. His suit jacket making that one rustley sound of the lining against the fabric, and his beard tickling my face.

I remember how my mom's eyes would sparkle and she would be all smiles and off they would go-- leaving smatterings and twinklings of the excitement (that those who are heading out to a party and a great evening have)along with a touch of eau de parfum in their wake as the door closed behind them.

What's not to love about a night out, dressed to the nines, with your love, good food, good music and dancing? If you haven't ever done it...might be something new to try out.

Now, don't fool yourself that good times dancing were reserved for outside of the home only...nah, nah, nah--there was plenty of twirling, dancing, dipping, laughing and all manner of music and mayhem in the house. My dad would come downstairs, usually on a Saturday morning, and the music would come on and it was so much fun.

Now kids--this was back in the day, back in olden times, where you had a lot of records, still used a record player, and if you were lucky, and oh yes we were, you just might have a reel-to-reel player in your house. These were pre-CD/pre-iPod and etc., days.

On these Saturday mornings, with sun streaming in through all of the windows, breakfast smells wafting from the kitchen, the chatter of grown ups and laughter, music and dancing, you would wake up and **feel** the electricity of life coursing through you. My dad would play everything (The Doors, The Beach Boys, Santana, The Beatles, Queen, Sergio Mendes, Disco mixes, John Lennon, Elton John, Neil Sedaka, Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass Band, the soundtrack from Star Wars or The Empire Strikes Back or Raiders of the Lost Ark or The Blues Brothers or Xanadu or any number of other movies) and he would take requests, and at some point he would play the music from the Electrical Light Parade from Disneyland that he had recorded some time in 1974, and we would dance with nostalgia and delight. (Now that he is gone, the music from the Electrical Light Parade has caught me off guard to the tune of unexpectedly spilled tears...but no sadness...we're remembering sunny Saturday mornings full of joy and delight.) Music mornings make me happy to this day. Sometimes Beloved will do the same, and I'm not kidding when I say it is hand's-down, one of the most glorious and delightful ways to wake up. :D

Since I'm tripping down memory lane--my parents love for each other was constantly glowing...like a rock heated up by a bonfire that just sits there glowing and smoldering. Our house was full of "I love you's," hugs and kisses and that was just the kids. Sometimes my dad would come sweeping down into the kitchen and grab my mom around the waist and twirl her around kissing her, and if we were lucky, he would dip her, kiss her and turn and give us all a big smile and say "I LOVE YOUR MOM!" There was never any doubt that she was first in his book and that he loved her.

Growing up there was always music and good food, happiness, laughter, joy and you knew you were loved. Yeah, we got in trouble like all kids do, and just because there was a lot of laughter it doesn't mean there weren't ever bent feelers or tears, because there were...I mean I was 13 and 15 and 17 just like any other girl, but it was a good home, a good place to grow up.

One of the things I'm particularly grateful for, especially in those early formative years, was the example of love and friendship that my parents exhibited towards each other. Seeing a man and a woman who were different in so many ways, find commonalities, showing a love and interest and respect for each other, and building a life together, that was a great gift I had in my life as a child. They weren't perfect, but to me they were the world.

As I grew older I went through the usual phases of selfishness and complaint and critique like most kids do, but now that things have mellowed, now that I am the age they were when I was in my teens (my dad was 40 when I was 16 and my mom was 39) I see things a little differently. It's funny how age really does give you some perspective if you allow it to. Some of the things they did and said make sense to me now, where at the time I was outraged on a number of occasions because of their words or their actions. I get it now. If I had a 16 year old I probably would have said a lot of similar things.

A lot of things have changed and morphed through the years. My family has moved from here to there and back again. The kids have grown up, gone to school, gotten real jobs, gotten married, had kids--they are living their lives, probably loving and laughing and eating good food and simultaneously astonishing and annoying their kids just like our parents did to us. My dad has since passed on into the next great adventure after this life here on this whirling planet, and my mom is just as kooky and sweet and free-spirited as ever.

Despite all of the change though, there has been one constant through the thick and the thin alike...my parents were crazy about each other--and even though he's not around where we can talk to him and see him, I'm guessing my dad's still crazy about my mom, she's definitely still crazy about him and is holding a big, fat, brightly glowing candle full of love for him until they can be together again. I think he's probably got a big blue-green eyeball watching out for her until they meet again.

I'm glad I was blessed with their example of love and companionship and friendship. I definitely haven't come across anyone else quite like them and I'm glad that I am theirs and that they are mine.

"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage."--Lao Tzu

Much love Mom and Dad ~ I couldn't have become me, without you.