Would You Like a Shake to Go With Your Sciatica?

I’m eating my yogurt, because it’s healthy. And I’m thinking, because I need some free-range brain time. And in my thoughts I’m wondering where I’m going and what I’m doing next. I’m thinking these things because I haven’t figured it the hell out already and this is my task this year. Some tasks take a little longer than others especially when you’re working on what you’ve done so far and what you want to do with the next half of your life. I’ve got ideas and notions and some things are starting to gel but it’s not done cooking, it’s still pretty soft and liquidy in the middle. I'm looking at the toothpick and thinking another few months in the oven should do it. Should be a pretty good cake when it is finally set.

Sometimes I think perhaps I’m simple. I’m simple in my thoughts and desires. I use to want to be a lawyer and then a politician. I had an agenda and I wanted to save the world—change the world—help the world. Now, I want to make jewelry and work in my garden and go swimming in the ocean everyday and the thought of politics literally turns my stomach and gives me a headache. I still want to help people though, that hasn’t changed.

I want to make a comfortable living for myself and my family. I’d like a new(er) car and I’d like not to be bossed around by someone else’s timetable, unless of course I’ve contracted with them on an amazing project.

What has happened to me?

This is why you choose a profession in your early 20’s—because that is when you are gung ho and you want to make a big splash on the scene of life. You are full of vim and vigor and you’re chomping at the bit to be cut loose and free on the world.

By the time you hit your 30’s you’ve learned. You know that there are a lot of a-holes out there and that they are only out to get theirs. But that’s o.k. because you are solidly into being an adult and you are hitting your stride. You’re confident and you can tell people “No.” mostly without feeling guilty.

Then come the crazy 40’s where you know that people in their 20’s are full of energy but are mostly still crazy kids running around learning on everybody else and are still maturing and trying to figure it out, but that’s o.k. because they are doing all of the footwork saving the world and making changes that need to get done. You know that in your 30’s (which you liked) you thought you just didn’t quite have it, you weren’t quite there yet, and you realize now that you really did have it all and you’re sorry you’re not still there. In your 40’s, you know who you are and what you think and you’re confident in that. At the same time your life is tipped and off kilter and though you know who you are you realize that you really know nothing at all and it is disconcerting.

You find yourself trying to eat healthy, and the shake you bought with dinner last night? Yeah, it was too big and you took a few bites and then got some Saran wrap out and wrapped it up and stuck it in the freezer thinking “I can’t eat that this late, it’s going to give me wicked heartburn. What was I thinking??”…oh yeah, that was me last night. ;)

All of the sudden you have these aches and pains and silver hairs and a wrinkle here and there. After sitting too long you try to stand up and you feel crippled and you’ve got to stretch and shake it all out. Then there is the time when you’re at the grocery store looking for the items on your list, and you realize you can’t quite read what is on the very bottom row of the shelves and you think “What the hell?...what does that say?” to the sudden realization of “What is it I’m looking for? to the tune of “Holy sh** I’ve become my parents.”

I gave a talk in church a couple of months back. I wasn’t wearing my contacts and was in glasses. I thought I looked nice and I was prepared and ready to go. I get up to give my talk and realize that “Houston, we have got a very serious problem here.” I could see the audience just fine with my glasses on, but transitioning down to my written pages…yeah, that was not working out so well and with the microphone in the way, that added a third dimension that was not usually an issue when I’ve worn contacts while giving a talk.

So while I’m kicking off my speech, I’m panicking deep down in the inner reaches of my rib cage. My heart starts thudding and I’m feeling slightly ill and thinking “I can’t see, what am I going to do???” and simultaneously “Keep it together girl, you can do this, figure it out and for goodness sake get that heartbeat under control so you’re not the chubby lady with the happy smile who keeled over at church while talking about being kind and loving Jesus! You’ll scar the children. Think of the children!”

So I’m working it out and peeking beneath my glasses and over my glasses and then I realize I’m touching my glasses, a big no-no because that can become a twitch and a habit and you don’t want to distract from what you are saying. So I put my hands down and pushed forward. My solution? I had to suck it up and work it out—as in I had to work around my aging eyes and glasses and microphone without looking like an idiot. I couldn’t take the glasses off, because that would have just been odd to have everyone in the audience be super fuzzy and it would have been distracting, so I just paced myself, and focused my brain on the task at hand and got it done. The talk went well, I wasn’t lost in translation but I did vow to never wear glasses for public speaking again.

And do you see these last few paragraphs? Complaining about my aging which is what old people do all the time. “My sciatica!”; “Oy, my cataracts!’; “My bunions!”; “I can’t eat onions anymore! It gives me gas.” Which when you hear that from your grandpa, you’re like “Geez, grandpa—TMI!! Sheesh!” or whatever it is that each individual has as their complaint.

I’ll bet you didn’t know that at 40 there is some kind of inner alarm clock that booms and everybody running the inner machine thinks “Phew! I have been WAITING for this coffee break!” and they go off duty and they’re smokin’ and jokin’ out back, and meanwhile you’re waking up overnight with aches and pains you never could have imagined and you truly feel your mortality—which alarms you and gives you a little kick of panic and so you think “Crap—I really need to get it together and start exercising more and taking care of myself. “

Which brings us back around to the eating healthy, and the thought that I had in the first place when I started writing this up…Where am I and what have I come to when I’m thinking the following…

Dannon’s Light and Fit Vanilla Yogurt is unexpectedly delightful and palatable. I’m shocked that 80 calories could taste this good…I know…I sound like a commercial but I mean it…or maybe I’m just really hungry…because I’m old and I eat lunch at 11:00 a.m. and dinner at 5:00 with the Golden Girls.