Happy New Year! 2011 is Here!

Welcome 2011!

Despite the 10 degree-midnight-snow-is-falling-roads-are-frozen weather, we welcome you...or at least the neighbors on the street behind us welcome you...they have braved the cold and are setting off fireworks in homage of the passing of one year into another.

I welcome you from my family room, where I sit in an overstuffed chair with my phone, drinking a Sprite and thumbing this entry.

This last year was an interesting one and if I may indulge, here are some of the highlights...and a few low-lights that seemed to work out just the same.

Not to start off morbidly...but I was contemplating life, the universe and everything...plus I have always found sarcophagi and their ilk fascinating. At the risk of sounding egocentric, I wouldn't mind being well memorialized by some beautiful piece of standing stone.

1: I turned 40. I was depressed about it and struggled with disappointment in the things I hadn't accomplished, but managed to pull myself up by my own bootstraps and some how march on. I haven't fully embraced it, but I'm closing in on satisfaction even if I'm not quite there.

2: I continued a contract stint as a Technical Writer. I learned that a) I am good at it but b) no matter how good, when people don't know what they really want, you can't magically deliver it to them...because...they don't know what they really want. I did my best and ended the contract well and was happy to move on.

3: I began working for a non-profit. Working for a non-profit has been an interesting experience. The money is absolute crap but the people have been great...well mostly. Social workers and teachers...God bless you...most of you work so hard but to be honest...sometimes your brains are cracked. Wow--you see the world in a different way.

4: I have had a chance to observe politics on a city level and a school district level and I stand by my opinion that politicians no matter who they are or what organization they are with are always politicians first and always have their own agenda. No one does anything for free.

5: I've learned a lot about poverty, welfare, health care, education, gangs and crime. I have seen children thrive despite the best efforts of the adults around them. I have also seen children who are zombies lost in a land of confusion and conflicting social messages who have no desire, no hope and who are not the future I would like to be a part of.

"Every time you smile at someone, it is an action of love, a gift to that person, a beautiful thing."
~ Mother Teresa

The Mural

6: I was part of a public art project and, from beginning inception to finale conclusion, enjoyed and participated in the entire process. It was one, of several, river walk murals.

7: I received a promotion at work into a director's position. I have my own office with a huge window and it absolutely delights me. Ridiculous or not, I love not being in a cubicle and I really enjoy the work I do. I have had some excellent women mentors this year and it has greatly satiated my desire to learn and grow.

8: I have reconnected with a number of old friends, people that I was sorry to have lost touch with in the first place. Facebook is mostly fantastic. :)

Carrie & Pete

9: I saw my youngest brother marry a delightful young woman and I've never seen him so happy and content. Seeing peace and contentment come to his life brings me overwhelming satisfaction and joy. He deserves every drop of it.

"I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles."
— Audrey Hepburn.... I am in perfect agreement with her.

My amazing girls

10: I concluded Year 6 of my amazingly, fabulous book club. We number 8 right now and it really is a dream team. I expect changes in the future just like with everything else, but right now it is working really well. We've read some great books through the years, some mediocre volumes and a minimal number of duds. These women have been the dearest and sincerest of friends and we have stood by each other through death, divorce and taxes plus all the other usual stuff.

Me & the Baby Brothers
Dave, Me & Pete

11: I tanned this summer. I worked part time and spent a lot of time communing with the water and the sun and it was divine. I haven't had a summer like this in years and it was wonderful. I haven't had brown sun-kissed skin in ages and it felt fantastic. I swam and gloried in it. I don't regret one moment of my radiation treatment, it was what I needed.

"A girl should be two things ~ classy and fabulous."

Coco Chanel

12: I started teaching myself how to take covert photos with my phone. I was in a mind-numbingly boring meeting with an egocentric and infuriating individual who steps all over people's boundaries. I wanted my husband to know what they looked like--so I thought, "How would a Black Ops guy reconnoiter?" Well, a Black Ops guy would probably be more sophisticated than an iPhone but if that's all he had that's what he would use. So I got my photo of the clown and several more. I'm still working on my skills though...

13: Towards the end of the year I realized the power in my age. It's true. I listen to people's opinions and consider them because I deign to do it. I have no desire to do it to please them, but because it pleases me to do so. That sounds ruder than it is. What it really comes down to is I'm not 20 and pinging my thoughts and opinions around at everyone around me. I'm not looking for a lot of approval anymore and have truly become a matured adult. I've been there, I've gathered my data and analyzed it and am acting on all of those things I gathered and investigated these 20 years. I'm sure to a 60 year old I'm still a youngster who is working it out, but I'm not low man on the totem pole anymore...I'm not the Freshman...and I really, really like that.

Men I love and would be devastated to lose.
In fact, if I ever need a good cry, morbid as it may be, if I think of any of their deaths, it's an immediate tear fest.

14: I can say "No." to anyone I want. There is great control and power in your life and over your time and resources when you learn how to properly administrate the word "No." This is something I learned a couple of years back but it takes a little while to get a good balance. I'm pretty much there. **Of course you have to combine it with responsible choices and decision-making, and you still have to make sacrifices on occasion...but if you really want to-- "No" is now always an option.

15: I have uncovered a new font of creativity. I really started focusing on my writing this year and have been having a lot of fun with it. This has been greatly therapeutic and expanding. Practicing creativity limbers up the brain and more than you thought starts pouring out. It is because you are exercising the abilities and it is an amazing sensation to feel that part getting fit again.

One of the delightful Utah views from this past summer on an afternoon ride into the mountains with Pete.

16: This past year I met up with an old high school friend via Facebook (see #8). Over the course of time and conversation we decided to start a long-distance project together. We had both had an interest in a book called The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron and decided to read and implement it together. What a phenomenal experience this has been thus far! The book is based on a series of week-by-week chapters with their accompanying exercises and activities. Due to our lives and because we started this up around Halloween and the barrage of holidays that follow, we have taken a few weeks longer here and there to get the chapters done, but it has worked well for us. We have reestablished and begun to build a new friendship on the foundation of the old, and along with the creative and introspective process, I have made and found a new sparkling friendship in the old.

My Mom

17: I have a fantastic mother. What a great woman she is. She has emerged like a Phoenix from the flame these last ten years. I have always loved my mom and wanted to be like her, barring the times I was mad at her of course ;) But since my dad died, through all of her grief, her pain and her despair, she grew, she rose and she fashioned her life, a new life, out of the living rock around her and has become her own woman. She still suffers, this I know, but she has found a new strength within herself and keeps walking her path. She did not lie down on the trail for wolves and carrion to drag her away. Her force for life and living is an inspiration to me and any insult or injury to her has become a personal affront to me. She is Mother.

18: No matter what you do, there are going to be people in your life, friends and family, that you love dearly whose spouse (or parents or kids or siblings,) you can barely tolerate, and because of the relationship, sometimes you're going to tolerate a lot. Sometimes so much that you should receive some kind of a medal for your valiant efforts...but you're never going to get one...so here's a pat on the back and a thumbs up from me...I understand where you are at...because sometimes we are paddling in the same boat.

"I must dance barefoot on her wedding-day,
And for your love to her lead apes into hell."
Taming of the Shrew 2.1.33-4, Katherina to Baptista

19: When I was younger I wanted a kitty (orange) and a puppy (Golden Retriever) and a baby (human). I have recently found that all of these desires have significantly dwindled. I enjoy the quiet, the freedom and the cleanliness. I don't really understand how or why these dreams have faded away and it is a little confusing. Not having these things that I wanted so strongly for so many years leaves me with a little sadness, with some melancholy...I miss my little dreams...but not enough to chase them down and bring them back...at least not right now...not today or this last year. It's possible that my strong desire for these things could come back and that I may pursue them again, but I'm just not feeling it right now and I'm kind of ok with it. Maybe they dwindled because it's time for some new dreams...dreams that I can actually reach and accomplish. It's just a thought.

20: I found, and am working on making peace with, the grand life-fact that there is no point to clinging to the future dreams of a permanently changed past. You have to move forward with new dreams for your current present. Sometimes things you planned just don't work out--sometimes too much time lapses and windows or doors of opportunity close. Often we change over the years and adjustments need to be made to some of our goals and desires. This is ok and normal. Love the life you have had so far and pause and ponder where you really want to go next---then---walk that way.

21: When everyone does their best, when they work hard and smart, when they pull their weight, everything is better. Projects are more successful, people are happier, more individuals benefit from the efforts of many than just the efforts of one. Selfishness and laziness are not winning behaviors.


22: Ignoring the above…sometimes I break the rules…because I almost never do, and because I can. It is extremely liberating. I ran in the sand, scrambled over the rocks and I crossed on the tracks and it was not at a designated crossing point. I survived.

23: This summer I took an absolutely amazing trip with my best friend Kristin. We both turned 40 this year (see #1) and were feeling in a funk about it. I think we both had things we thought we'd be or places we thought we would have arrived to by now, and it was hard to confront it, and step into this next new place. We decided that we needed the sand, the ocean, the sun. We need the liberation that looking into an endless horizon brings. I know that's what I needed. I have been landlocked, and that has been o.k., mostly. I needed to reground, I needed it badly. We took a little road trip out to Dana Point, California and thereabouts. It was a long weekend, and it was everything I needed. We talked the entire trip. After being on the road for several hours I realized we hadn't stopped talking. We talked about everything. We had a lot to say. It was free therapy in the heart of the tree of trust. We had a beachfront hotel. As soon as we arrived we immediately changed into swimsuits and straight to the beach we went. Bare toes in sand, wiggling, giddy, silly, unbelieving that we were there...and then came the dolphins...and later on in the weekend the whale. We talked, we ate, we shopped, chocolate, strawberries, seafood, Mexican food, balmy weather, rainy weather, beautiful California weather. It was a reboot to the soul, and it was exactly what I needed.

We both stood and did this.

24: We had many opportunities to get together as friends and as family. Weddings, birthdays, holidays, parties, and Sunday dinners. As a family we really do spend a lot of time together, we enjoy each others company and we miss each other when we are not around...at least that is how I feel for my part.

25: I had my 18 year wedding anniversary this year. All told, every bit of it, good and bad, and I would do it all over again. When we were dating and then newlyweds, I didn't know love could grow and expand the way that it did and does. I love my Beloved more now than I ever have. We have built quite the life together. We have loved each other, been each others friend and confidant. We have had unexpected gifts and blessings and highly trying obstacles. We've barreled forward against the hard times and railed in rage against the storms, but through it all we miraculously never turned against each other, but instead always towards each other as the one refuge from any given storm. He has ever been the only one, sure thing. I would do it all again...but I am happy to move forward from where we are at. No need to rail and rage against what has already been--and baby--that's all water under the bridge and I see blue skies ahead...at least for now. ;)

Rise up this mornin',
Smiled with the risin' sun,
Three little birds
Pitch by my doorstep
Singin' sweet songs
Of melodies pure and true,
Sayin', ("This is my message to you-ou-ou:")

Singin': "Don't worry 'bout a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right."
Singin': "Don't worry (don't worry) 'bout a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right!"
~~Bob Marley~~

26: As 2010 comes to an end, and 2011 is but a newborn babe, I am content with how it all has turned out so far. Last year started out a little rough...for a myriad of reasons, some which I have shared and some which I have not. In the beginning of last year I decided to just "Be." There were a few responsibilities I needed to address and take care of, but aside from that, I was just going to be, just explore where I was and where I wanted to go. I'm still working on a lot of things, but my plans are coming along, and I think my feet are on the right path and I've got a good satchel full of tools I've collected along this journey of mine and I think it's gonna be alright.

"I know this now. Every man gives his life for what he believes. Every woman gives her life for what she believes. Sometimes people believe in little or nothing yet they give their lives to that little or nothing. One life is all we have and we live it as we believe in living it. And then it is gone. But to sacrifice what you are and live without belief, that's more terrible than dying."
~~
Joan of Arc

Me as I always want to be.

Smiling, pink-cheeked with hair blowing in a breeze...and simply...happy.