"A bird does not sing because it has an answer. It sings because it has a song."

Tonight we watched The Last Samurai. I have seen snippets of it here and there, but never the full movie. I loved it. Stellar, actually and it really gave me pause for thought. It made me think about all of the things that you actually carry within you as a human. Your strengths, weaknesses, humility, power, deference, grace, memories, choices-good and bad, honor, dishonor, determination, confusion, love, hate, forgiveness, revenge, regret, desire, pain, love, joy...etc. All the things that imprint and mold who we are, the choices we make or don't make that develop our thoughts, ideas, personalities.

It made me think about the passing of time, the ticks that count off moments in history, the changing from the old guard to the new. So often the changes that takes place in history are purely a matter of timing, and often perspective. Sometimes, not always, but sometimes the changing is neither good nor bad, righteous nor evil...but just one choice over another during that particular moment in time.

The changing of this guard is so often melancholic but it can also be beautiful---something is dying and something is being born, and with every death there is loss, just as with every birth there is something bright and new. The thoughts and ideas that surround it definitely cause a very human awareness in me...a knowledge that things have always been and always will be...whatever form it is that history and future history may take. My place in the universe feels like a bright little speck among so many other bright little specks.

Anyway...another battery of late night musings.

Shelfari

One of my favorite places to be...

http://www.shelfari.com/happy_purple_girl

If you're interested in what I'm reading, like to read, want to read, have on wish list and etc., take a peek!!

Introspecting

It has been interesting keeping the late nights that I have lately. The house is quiet, all the family is in their respective beds and I'm left to my own devices during these pitch black hours. Sometimes I'll wander out the front door, walk outside and just look up into the sky, most of the time coated in stars and the ocassional satellite. The air is fresh and clear and again, the glorious silence. It makes you realize just how big the universe is, and how small you are on this orb that spins through space. The peace and quiet brings me joy in this world of chaos and turmoil.

I also think a lot about the people that I love, the people I like, and let's be honest, sometimes quite a bit about the people that I don't like as much as the previous two groups. Why do people say and do the things they say and do just for the sake of being mean? Why is it that people don't exhibit common courtesies towards each other? So much selfishness and pride in the world today--and everyone is so much more important than anyone else around them. This kind of behavior really doesn't get you anywhere. Oh, sure, sometimes it may seem like it, but in the end it doesn't.

With all of the politics going on right now it has gotten even worse. There are so many different ways to solve problems, and yet, somehow the politicians and members of the media stick with the same old boring rote of bashing and lieing. No one's telling the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help them God. No one. Don't get me wrong...I'm not naive enough to expect it...but I'm also not so jaded that I've lost all hope either.

Well, time is ticking...I'm exhausted and it's time for bed...well, really it was time for bed hours ago...but it is what it is for now. I've got a beloved job search to continue tomorrow...hopefully someone somewhere will eventually want me...if not, I may resort to selling off body parts to the highest bidder! LOL

Driving in the Desert at Night: October 2nd, 2008

I wrote this a couple of weeks ago and thought it merited saving.
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Last night we had a family get together, and that was a lot of fun...but not my point. My husband went straight from work to the party so we drove separately, so after the party, I was alone in my car driving home.

As a sub-note: I've had a strain of the melancholic lately, not the kind that is depressing and horrible, but the kind that is achey and bittersweet. It feels good to indulge it every now and again, and it is intermingled with joy and memory and is a pleasant process. If you've never enjoyed your own melancholy, you may not understand what I'm saying...if you have...you probably do. (It's probably all this talk of reunions and this Gwen Stefani "Early Winter" song that has been doing it!!)

But back to my story...Fall is here, especially in the evenings. I had the windows down, the wind was blowing and it was a fantastic night. The drive home skirts the city, so it was much darker than being in the city proper. This part of the valley (that I was driving through) is desert and not overly developed. I was relatively alone on the road, stereo up, driving 80 down the freeway and I felt alive and free.

The Great Salt Lake was to the West of me, so it was pitch black with nothing to see but the deep black of night. To the East I could see the mountains in the distance, the city up against them, the lights glowing and bouncing back down from the storm clouds up above and it was something else. The Capitol Building, the LDS Temple, the business district, the university all lit up against the mountains, the canyons deep black crevices behind the lights--it was beautiful. Sometimes in life you have surreal moments--and this is one of the pleasant ones--my eyes were seeing something that some people would only see in a photograph and never get to experience in person. It was the vibrancy of the moment that impacted me.

My thoughts drifted around but mostly focused on how glad I am that I live here in Utah--how glad I am that I gave it a fair chance to be something fantastic. It is beautiful, rich in culture and history, clean and pleasant--there are a lot of good people here and I'm happy. I came out here to go to school, to get away from home, to grow up, to become independent, to become my own woman. I never expected to stay here--it wasn't in my vision of a place to land and stay, more of a stepping stone.

I've been here for the past 19 years, unexpectedly...LOL. : ) I've made friends, fallen in love, had heartbreaks, gotten married, worked, played, had good people come in and out of my life, some drifting, some staying longer than others...I have lived a lot of good life. It is definitely not perfect and I do have my regrets and my sorrows just like anyone...but what joy at times! I've worked hard, tried to look forward and not always backwards second guessing and wishing for things that cannot be changed, I've tried to be joyful and positive in the face of the unexpected and in the end I've done all right. It is a good life that I have experienced so far and I am blessed.
Have you ever felt so alive and vibrant that you felt like your chest might explode?---well that was last night on the way home for me.

Anyway--just some miscellaneous thoughts I didn't want to lose and wanted to share.