To Her The Name of "Father" Was Another Name for Love

Oh dad! How I do miss you!

I am happy today though, somewhat surprisingly as you have been weighty on my mind of late. I don't know if it was a subconscious thing that I wore all black today...I just wanted to dress up a little today I guess. It gave me a chuckle when I looked down at myself in church and realized I was in all black and correlated it to you being dead and it being Father's Day and all. Kind of morbid humor I know.

I don't know if they blog where you are, or if there is some great library in the sky that you can link up to a mortal Internet connection and hence read what I have written, but, the universe is huge and who am I to assume that you *won't* be able to read this.

You were such a great dad and taught me so much before you cut your mortal probation short. Do you realize I was only 29 when you died? You were 53. That was too young for both of us. I know things happen to everyone, to all people in all walks of life at all ages, but right now--- when I think of your death I'm only thinking of my loss, it is never in perspective with the bigger picture but is always grounded in the "Now" in the center of my purely emotional and very selfish feelings of a child who feels orphaned...is orphaned and abandoned and mourns that loss.

Such a dramatic girl! LOL...that means "Laughing Out Loud" which isn't always what you are doing when you type that...mostly you are smiling or maybe snickering...but I digress.

I have this beautiful quote I found that the minute I read it I thought of you and of me, and I thought it equated perfectly to my sentiments:

"To her the name of 'Father' was another name for love."-- Fanny Fern

This is so true! When I think of "Father" I do think of "Love" no matter the foibles and mistakes I always knew you loved me. I knew that I was a joy to you and that you were not sorry that I belonged to you.

When you died, I was mid-transit coming to you as quickly as I could. I had the boys with me and we were hurrying, hurrying all packed into the tiny little Honda Civic. We were passing through Las Vegas when you passed from this mortal coil into the starry night. I felt you go.

I was so tired and wanted to stop for a quick rest but didn't dare for fear that we would miss you and so I was pushing myself to every limit. It was 11:30 pm and you had died at 11:23 pm.

I was so worried and an overwhelming sense of peace and warmth overcame me, comforting, and I heard the words Dad, I heard them and they were "It's ok. Stop. Rest. There is time. Be at Peace." Tears are rolling down my face as I type this, remembering, but I still know that you were with us.

We didn't make it in time. I felt such devastation and all I could say to mom when we got to her was "Did he know we were coming? Did he know? Did he know we were on our way? Did he know I love him? Did he know?!"

Oh sad heartbreak and sorrow! My heart was broken so completely that it was a breaking of time. It was stunning and unreal. It felt like you were gone on one of your long business trips and you just hadn't come home yet. I knew that wasn't true though and I quietly shut myself in the bathroom that morning where no one could see me, putting my hands to my mouth to stifle, and I wept my bitter and broken hearted tears and sobbed out my loss, whispering "Oh Dad! Dad!"

Even now, these many years later, it seems like we are waiting for you to come home. Aren't you just in Mexico, or Brazil, or maybe just a bit further, in Singapore perhaps? Sometimes that's still what it feels like. Like we are just waiting for you to come home. But you aren't coming back. It will not be here that we will see you again.

But enough of tears and sorrows that cannot be remedied.

Let us reflect on happier times---

As a child you delighted me! I loved being with you, playing with you, though I was firmly aware of what that "one" dad look meant and was always eager not to dissappoint.

Do you remember how much fun we had playing in the swimming pool with all of the kids? How you would pretend you were The Creature From the Black Lagoon, and you would swim with crazy arms after us? We would be laughing in hysterics and could hardly get away! Or when we would race across the pool and when I was on the swim team and finally was fast enough and strong enough to barely beat you? Or when we were in the ocean jumping waves and you would watch us from the shore sticking your toes in proclaiming the water was too cold, until you finally ran through the water and plunged in and came to jump with us?

You were amazing! Do they have pools and oceans where you are now? Do you get to go swimming? Is there anyone you laugh and joke with? Maybe Tia Edy and Tio Fritz? Or maybe Grandma V. and Grandpa L.? Or perhaps other ancestors and friends whose acquaintance you have made?

Mom misses you. She's stays strong though and doesn't cry as much as she used to, but she misses you like crazy. Somedays she still has that faraway sad look, so I try to perk her up with some funny story or some Tracy-drama and a Diet Coke...and a Milky Way Dark if necessary. She's amazing and has grown so much and takes such pride and joy in all of the kids and the grandkids. Speaking of grandkids, you've got quite a few now! No doubt there are more forthcoming---it seems everyone has plans for more.

I'm shooting for one at this point, maybe you can have a chat with the Big Guy up there and see if there is just one little person to spare that he can send my way before my time really does run out. My hope wanes but there's still a spark in there that I keep to myself, even though I continue to prep myself for the worst of all disappointments. But enough of that sadness!

Joyfully baby PJ is getting married! I can hardly believe it. He found himself a sweet and mellow-tempered elementary school teacher---which knowing him and school, bears it's own kind of funny. You would love her dad and PJ is so happy. He is at peace and I think she centers him.

We are all well and we are happy. We have our successes and our failures, our grand worries and our petty desires that seem so important, our loves, our likes, our joys and disappointments. We are living our lives trying to do right and good by our fellow humans. I think you would be...that you are...proud of your children and your wife. It's not the same without you here but we troop along...we are all troopers.

Be well Dad. I love you. Happy Father's Day in the sky. I hope that all of the stars are sparkling, that the moon is bright and that someone cooked you up a fine dinner to celebrate with you and that you know that you are loved on Earth and in Heaven!

Much love and some tears--

Your daughter--
Tracy

Broke Down on the Side of Life's Road...

Graphics card, in flickerings and a burst of flame and smoke (not really), has given up the ghost. It was a silent, in the middle of the night betrayal of a sleeping Tracy and her grand hopes for making June the "IT" month for posting on a much more regular basis.

It is almost impossible to "thumb" a posting on the iPhone...hence the absence. Typing is one thing, composing, something else completely. I've had many thumbed thoughts in my notes on the iPhone...soon, soon, I will be back.

Right now, I'm working on my husband's crazy-ass Mac, which I am unfamiliar with. Maybe later on this weekend I will figure it out and get some things posted. No photos though, those are all on my, currently non-functional, big girl computer or on my iPhone. Boo.

Maybe I'll post them on my Facebook and then load them here. We'll see what magic I conjure.

A few thoughts and miscellanies...

Junior high kids, still smell funny in the summer. It's not just during the school year. They hate going outside and all they want to do is talk, flirt and whine.

Enter Me...

Time for outside time! Let's go--yes you too! Computers off and Everyone out! How long are we going to be out here?? We just got out here. We're going to be out here for another 45 minutes. Go play.

Yesterday's Announcement: No sitting in dark corners doing whatever it is you are doing. Stick with the group and don't wander off or you will be in trouble.

And...don't whine at me, I can't understand you. Use your big kid voice. BIG SMILE...

They love me. >;)

My iPod...it's skipping songs. This is not making me happy. First the computer and now the iPod. I kid you not--my head will explode if it konks out. I just made this stellar Angry Girl playlist and, as the computer is out of commission right now, I have not synched...if I lose it...yeah...not so awesome.

Goodbye conglomorate of The Offspring, Muse, System of a Down, Limp Bizkit, CKY, The Clash, Drive-By Truckers, Stain'd, The Mighty Lemon Drops, P.O.D., Everclear, The Misfits, X, +44, Against Me, The Rasmus, The Red Hot Chili Peppers, The Chemical Brothers, Marilyn Manson, Rob Zombie...rest assured that some of these are available purely because of The Matrix soundtrack...but they fit just the same...I'm just not some big Marilyn Manson or Rob Zombie fan...I feel I need to clarify that...I have one...ONE...song by each of them. I may be pissed off sometimes but I'm not Satanic. LOL...ANYWAY...

Recreation is just not the same.

And so my week marches on.

Grrrrr Argh....

Breaking Bread

The Cuban in London does it again--He is always amazing with his blog  and commentaries...and here, again today, I find a delightful quote about sharing a  meal with others...or breaking bread with friends and family as we like  to call it at home.

'There is something quietly civilizing about sharing a meal with  other people. The simple act of making someone something to eat, even a  bowl of soup or a loaf of bread, has a many-layered meaning. It suggests  an act of protection and caring, of generosity and intimacy. It is in  itself a sign of respect.'  Nigel Slater, Editor of The Observer's Food Monthly Magazine

How true this is.  From the time that we are little children and loved one's are caring for us, to the time as an adult where perhaps we are caring for others, and on occasion (if we are the main cook) we enjoy meals prepared for us by those who love us.

I love cooking for my family, for friends and am of the mindeset that anytime is a good time for a party or an impromptu gathering of friends and loved ones. My Beloved often states something to the effect of "You snuck in another party!" or "Well, you are always looking for a chance to celebrate. Why not a good dinner to celebrate new shoes..." O.K. Maybe I exagerrate a little, but he is right in concept and in spirit--the more the merrier, toss in some music, good conversations and laughter and I'm purring like a happy kitty.

Our family is a family of cooks. Why none of us has become a chef, I don't know. Boys, girls, it doesn't matter. Pete is the sandwich connoseur.  He eats them and he makes them---they are always stellar. If we are lucky, sometimes on a Saturday morning he will whip up some fabulous breakfast sandwich stacked with sausage patties, cheese, eggs and hash browns. He gets peckish when he gets a crappy sandwich. Dave is the BBQ king. If it can be grilled, or if he even thinks it can be grilled watch out. He's a mean marinade makin' man. And his fish tacos--wow--to die for. Along with his homemade salsas, it's making my mouth water. Grace is the fresh and organic foods girl. If there are beautiful fruits or veggies around she's all over that. She use to work in an edible flower garden ... With veggies too... and she's always coming up with delicious Mediterranean or Asian type fare. Her soups are amazing, but its her homemade brownies and truffles that will send you to the moon!

Andy has gone mostly vegetarian, except for seafood, and organic. I guess the meat is on the shady shifty side. He lives in Alaska. Need I say more? He's been putting his hand to the seafood group. Fresb Halibut fish and chips, broiled salmon, garlic buttered delight, king crab and shrimp. If they weren't so far away I'd be at his house every night for dinner. Now my brother Dan is in Texas, I have heard it rumored that he's good with the BBQ as well. Being a Texan now, I'd expect no less. However, I have no personal proof of this...so Dan...I'm throwing it down. When you come out for Pete's wedding, perhaps you will regale us with your culinary prowess. We know your wife can cook...but can you? ;) 

As for me, I'm the South American cook in the family. If there is a Feijoada dinner party to be made--I'm your girl. If you've got rice, you've got the makings of a great meal--both complex or simple as it may please you and there is no bean that is not my friend. If you want spaghetti, slow simmered and flavorful with garlic bread and an Italian salad...dinner is on! My beloved is no slacker when it comes to the cooking--you never tasted steaks so fine that they melt in your mouth and cut like butter without having to deal with a snotty waiter, or corned beef and cabbage so authentic you would think you were back at the hearth in the highlands.  

And our mother--she does it all. No one beats her pork roast with mashed potatoes and gravy, with steamed veggies and a fresh salad, and some French bread with butter...or maybe her meatloaf with baked potatoes and buttered peas and a green salad with vinaigrette...or her chicken fillets, breaded and fried, served with mashed potatoes, buttered corn and a salad...or homemade creamy cheesey macaroni and cheese from scratchy-scratch...or her tamale casserole hot from the oven served with chips and salsa and if you're lucky some guacamole...or her patty melts with sauteed carmelized onions on grilled dark rye with melty Swiss cheese.

There is never a shortage of good foods when we get together. And we looove to get together! Breaking bread, sharing what we have, talking, laughing at the dinner table together has been a wonderful bonding experience for all of us. Of course we all love to include friends and extended family in the dini g experience with us. Throw on some tunes and put something over the fire and we are ready to go!

I'm starving! Time for dinner!