Son Mis Locuras...

Wow...quick post because I am sooooo tired of seeing that old post everytime I try to pop on here.

I'm back to work, Project Management and Training Development, which I LOVE.

I'm commuting a little over an hour each way, which doesn't leave a ton of time when I get home in the evening, mostly because I'm trying to be disciplined and get to bed a little earlier than usual...read: before midnight. It seems to be working part of the time.

I decided to read the Twilight series to see what all the hype was about...so far one book in and finished and it was pretty good. I enjoyed it. We'll see how the rest go.

I had an awesome book club last Friday night, we all went out to dinner at a trendy little ski bum restaurant and the food was phenomenal but the company even better. We read Wings of the Dove by Henry James. The book was o.k. We went back to one of our homes and watched the movie which was not my favorite, but the costuming and set design was amazing. Then we played Rock Band for the rest of the night...read: 4:30 a.m....which was incredibly fun.

Well, gotta run, can't be late...more posts later.

Peace out.

Understanding Father...and Finding My Place in the Universe...So Long and Thanks for All the Fish...

Lately I have been going through this huge "thing". I don't even know what to call it. It all stems from the lay off that I went through some months back. I'm o.k. I'm happy and cheerful and still myself, but nagging in the back of my brain is this constant thump as I try to figure out what direction I'm going to go in next. I was fortunate enough to have been able to take some time off, but I find I'm not really any closer to a solution than I was before. Oh sure, I've had lots of thoughts, lots of ideas but I am stymied by methodology and logistics on how to turn some of these ideas from ether into reality. I know I am frustrated and that has started to really irritate me.

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The new words that have floated their way into my brain are "maybe you're going through a mid-life crisis..." Can I just say "What the hell???" Since when did I get old enough to get to "mid-life"?? Apparently that time is now. Double my age from this moment and I would be 76. That's just about as "middle-of-life" as you can get.

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So, coming to terms with my own mortality and the fact, that truly, I will not be living forever and will die at some point just like all the other human beings on the planet, before and after me...I have started questioning purpose and evaluating my definitions...definitions of success, failure, love, friendship, good, evil, important, not-so-important, ridiculous not to mention my introspection into politics, government, religion and the universe and my place in it.

The questions I find myself pondering are as follows:

Where are you?

Where do you want to go?

What have you contributed to your world?

Have you maxed out your productivity as a human...since obviously you are having trouble taking the next step...because you are having a hard time identifying the next step?

Who are you really?

What do you need to get done in the next 25 years?

What do you want??? What do you want?????? What do you want???????

Ugh...

You get where this has been going. I'm working on a nice crop circle on this one.

All of these questions have had me retrospecting on the people that I admire in one way or another with one standing out in particular...my father.

As a point of reference for what I'm about to discuss, my father died when he was 53. I was 29. Through the years, he has never strayed far from my thoughts. I don't weep anymore. But I do think of him daily. There is always something remembered, or needing to be shared, but he is gone and there is no taking it back. Nothing can change it. By the time I see him again, all these moments will be past and the opportunity for counsel and sharing gone. I hope he can see me wherever he is. I hope he visits sometimes. I hope he knows that I still need him. I hope he knows I miss him everyday. I hope he knows that I will always love him.

So to my point...

I thought I understood him when he was in his 40's when I was in my 20's, but I find that is not quite the case at all. I thought I understood but was unsympathetic to the turmoil that I perceived him to be suffering under as he headed into his 40's. I thought it was ridiculous to have a "mid-life" crisis. I thought "Get on with it already. What are you hesitating for? You have everything, you are at your peak, why are you slowly letting it go?"

I watched him founder and struggle somewhat and I remember the watching. I was a girl burgeoning onto the scene of womanhood with my whole life ahead of me and I did not understand. I know that now.

I remember after he died, being in my early 30's and still not quite understanding, but found myself definitely lacking patience. I think my lack of patience stemmed from his not being there to share in the excitement of a career that I was finally starting to get a handle on that was going in interesting directions. I had all of these things I wanted to tell him and share with him. Ideas I wanted to bounce by him, and situations I wanted his counsel on how to resolve. There were several times I actually reached for the phone, only to grip my own fist at the last minute as I realized there was no phone number he was currently available at.

These feelings and thoughts always led me back to question why he had left his corporate career, moved the family across the country and started teaching English as a Second Language at a Junior College. Why he had chosen to alienate his family, or at least me, speaking for my own self. Why had he pushed me away when I had done nothing wrong and wanted nothing more than to please him? Why he had chosen to hit the bottle so hard that he was in a constant state of mild stupor. Was he dealing with feelings of failure even though he had been extraordinarily successful? Was it because he hadn't done the things that had mattered to him the most at some point during his youth and young adulthood? Was it because he couldn't find his direction, or because wishes merged with what felt like stark reality? How did he lose his path?

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I have no answers, only speculations. I have questions that will go unaswered, and by the time I can ask them in person, the answers won't matter anymore because time and understanding will have surpassed them and moved into a different sphere. So, for now, in all of my humanity, I walk this path alone, figuring it out along the way as best I can.

What is it about mid-life that makes you doubt who you are and what you've become even though you've built things to be proud of and have been resplendent with confidence at any given point prior?...even though you've achieved things you would never have imagined during the follies of youth and the immaturity of young adulthood. Why do we grasp for youth when during our youth we knew nothing...and were just barely coming out of our cocoons to become the butterflies that fly free as adults?

In the end, after all of the reflection, the introspection, the questions, the doubts, the quandries, the comparisons...I find I have come out on the other end still knowing who I am.

I like who I have become through the years. I wouldn't necessarily choose to go through some of the trials and difficulties I've been through twice, but I also wouldn't turn away the things I've learned, and the ways that I have matured because of my experiences. I'm confident in myself and my skills, even though sometimes I do sell myself a bit short. I've worked hard and given my best. I've loved the people around me and tried to give them the best of me. I've tried to be a good friend, a loyal friend. I've tried to be a good daughter and to do right by my family and my heritage. I hope as my ancestors look down through the stars that they see me as good progeny.

I hope that I'm like the Phoenix from the Flame. I hope that this is a burning away of old things, and a rebirth into the second great phase of life. I choose to believe that this is the case. I know there is a lot left to learn and so much to give. My place in the universe is certain and I have a destiny that is my own to fulfill. I may be annoyed at the difficulty in cutting the brush back as I try to reveal my road...but with constant hacking with the machete...I should have it resolved before too much longer. I'm looking forward to seeing what lies behind the foliage, what is up beyond the bend in the road...what beautiful valley is waiting to be discovered...what mountain is waiting to be conquered.

Memories of a Water Girl

Looking for water photos...I've been in a water mood...and I came across some old photos, all water related. Thought I'd share.

So here is one of me, Beloved and FIL...about 100 years ago...o.k. maybe not quite 100...more like 17 years ago, just before we got married. We are standing in front of the Great Salt Lake. We use to take quite a few short trips/vacations with my in-laws. It was so much fun. They are wonderful people and a delight to spend time with. We always have such a great time together. On this particular road trip, we had gone out for the day, probably a Saturday, and since I had never been out to the Great Salt Lake we decided to go. It is a fascinating place. It is the largest salt lake in the Western hemisphere. You can find additional detail here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Great_Salt_Lake
Here is a photo, also about 17 years ago. We were dating, engaged I think, but hadn't announced it to anyone yet. This is in Zion's National Park in Southern Utah. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zion_National_Park It was February, and the weather was amazing. We did a lot of hiking and scrambling over rocks. There was a large group of Beloved's side of the family and we all went camping together for the weekend. We stayed up late playing cards in our tent with his cousin and his girlfriend and the next day found a huge field of purple flowers, which I promptly went and laid down in. I mean when do you ever get to lay down in a huge field of flowers like an actual fairy princess...hardly ever would be the answer to that question!

This is me, also about 17 years ago...apparently 17 years ago is the magic number for me...LOL

This was in Narragansett, Rhode Island http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narragansett,_Rhode_Island and Beloved and I were visiting my family. We had gone to the beach for the day and I was sitting on the rocks directly over the crashing waves. A brave thing, considering my past experience with large, crashing waves taking me for a tumble across black rock, much like the rocks you see in front of me.

This must be sometime in 2000/2001. This is on the island of Boracay, in the Philippines. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Boracay This is one of the most beautiful photos I've ever taken and completely captures the serenity of this particular evening. I believe it was my first trip (of several) to the Philippines. On this particular trip, I, along with several friends, went to Boracay for the weekend. I had been pretty sick but couldn't bear to cancel the trip, so I went anyway and it was absolutely worth it.

This last photo was on the same trip as above. This was the view from the boat as we were heading back to the mainland. It took a taxi, a plane, a bus, a boat and a dinghy to get to the island and, in its own way, was quite the adventure. I loved my trips to the Philippines. They were always such a tremendous amount of work, long days and extensive communications, but the people were so amazing and I made a lot of friends there. I loved spending time with them, getting to know Manila http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Manila , and the Filipino culture. What an amazing place. I really miss it still, even after all these years.