One-Peek-Cheek-Sneak

I had a good chuckle this evening.  I guess technically it was at someone else’s expense…but I don’t know…I choose to view it more as a welcome-to-the-club commiseration.

One of my girlfriends is a few years younger than I am…heading solidly into mid-30’s.  She has a delightfully direct way of talking about her experiences that keeps people hopping, but can be extremely funny…(o.k. she’s not just a girlfriend…she’s a part of the family girlfriend…which makes it even better because we have all kinds of shared experiences and inside jokes, but I digress.)

Anyway, apparently she went in for a little yearly OBGYN joy today.  Her Facebook post…yes…Facebook…was:

“Got ‘the shocker’ at the Dr’s today…huh, I didn’t see that coming…” 

To which I very promptly laughed out loud and thought “Ohhhh hoh-ney!” 

Chortle…snicker…snort.

(If you don’t know what “the shocker” is…well…your edumacation on that is going to come from somewhere else. ;))

So this will definitely be fodder for conversation at the next book club for a good 20 minutes or so because no doubt everyone else will share their stories of medical humiliation.

I promptly replied to her Facebook as sensitively and as understandingly as I could muster…which amounted to the following “Bahahahahahahahahaha!!! You are NOW officially a woman...of a "certain" age! LOL Congrats...and welcome to Club-Surprise. LOL”

Why do doctors do this? 

You’re just there on the table, leaning back in a half-torn, wrinkled napkin, (that they must laugh at every time they leave the room after telling you to go ahead and get undressed) in mostly all your exposed glory, after the doctor has said "Go ahead and scoot your bum a little further down.  No, a little further. Further. O.K. Perfect." Like he's waving down a high-precision jet on an aircraft carrier with those little orange cone things they wave around, and you're trying to human-crab-scuttle down the examination table, (but it’s all for your good health, right? RIGHT???) thinking...

“O.k. Ugh. Almost done…I still need to go to the store.  What am I making for dinner?  Do I have time to grab lunch on the way back?  Probably.   

O.k. speculum out. Sigh. Almost done. 

Hey, whoa!!!  Oh now!!…wha…nooooooooo!! Bastard! No warning.  Dammiiiiiiittttttt!  Arghhhhh!”

And you are left awkwardly squingee and wondering where the hell the customer service is in your day.  

At the bank they give you a lollipop when they finish things up and the dentist will give you a new toothbrush and some cinnamon dental floss.  This guy...he's giving me a poke and a prod and nothing but a bad naked time memory.  The insurance clowns have it backwards...I'm the one who should be getting a $25 copay.  Sheesh.

Anyway, the drive by probing has, thank goodness, only happened once and it was several years back.  And when she posted the unauthorized, unwarned one-peek-cheek-sneak it all came rushing back and it made me laugh out loud…in commiseration.  Purely.

Alright…TMI…but at least it was funny TMI.  Welcome to one of the many medical humiliations involved in being a human being.

Beware the man in the white lab coat with the rubber gloves and the lubricant...you never know...you just never know.