A Pagan Girl and A Christian Woman...

I love Christmas, but I'm kind of a pagan about it. There is a whole communing with the Earth in all of her ancient glory, with all of the humans that have gone before, that have struggled and been mournful and succeeded and been joyful, that gives what I celebrate and feel and know a whole different dimension.

I love the Christmas Tree which if you really trace it back, ends up as some kind of a Pagan fertility symbol with people rolling around underneath it at some point doing the happy horizontal and has nothing to do with Baby Jesus whatsoever...either that or it ends up with many and varied youths dancing around it in wild abandon right before they set it on fire. This does not prevent me from putting a nice tree up overloaded with lights and ornaments with a little happy village set up underneath it...though we don't set it on fire at any point in time.

I love the whole Santa thing and the reindeer and Frosty the Snowman. I love the mistletoe (with its kissing and berry picking implications) and the songs and the parties and the cookies and the craziness and everything that goes along with it.

More-so though, I enjoy the melancholy of it all.

I think there is the most beautiful melancholy to the whole holiday. Part of the melancholy comes from the people who try so hard to make the Norman Rockwell Christmas vignette in their own lives, some succeeding and some failing, and part of the melancholy comes from the depth of sorrow that so many suffer from because of loss and pain. Part of the melancholy comes from Christmas past, from history and memories that have been and are no more. Part of the melancholy is in the extreme peace and joy that can be felt and the let down, because there is always a let down, ex post facto, when we all return to our non-twinkled lives and our cold January routines. Yes, I can be joyful and cheery and red and white and green and Santa and Rudolph and Frosty...but that's not what makes it for me...that part is fun and definitely a factor...but it's not "It."

What makes it for me is the beauty, the moments that tear your heart out of your soul because you feel ancient and you know there is a God and if you listen and are still you can hear the angels singing. They are the moments that you are listening to something so beautiful that you are moved beyond yourself and that moment spins you out into the universe and you know that you are the tiniest of creatures and that there is so much more than just you spinning across the universe on this little blue and green planet...you somehow know that this is not all there is.

They are the moments when you perform or witness a kindness, or a service, of one human being to another. They are the moments when you see the difference one action can make in the life of another.

Do I believe in God?--yes I do. I'm not going to get into the dynamics of my faith and my hope because simply broken down that's all it is...I believe in God and to me, He is a God who knows me by my name and by my face and He loves me...He sees me and when I petition Him he hears me.

My celebration is in the joy of eternity, of God, of humanity, of this Earth. My celebration is in the birth of Jesus Christ, who as the son of God and man humanized himself to live here amongst us, to have the human experience, who loved and taught, and sacrificed himself to the hands of common sinners and was subjected to the whims of the mortals, both good and wicked. My celebration is in the gift His life was to humankind.

As an addendum--If you do not believe the same, that's o.k. with me, that's your choice and may your life be blessed with peace and joy however you may choose to find it. I have enough troubles of my own without borrowing them by fussing over who believes what and how. Be merry on your way. :)

Continuing on...

I told my Beloved that the melancholy that Christmas brings to me is an ancient ache...a longing for something I can't quite pinpoint without becoming evasive as I am unable to quite get a grasp on the words for what I'm feeling and he replied "Well...it's an ancient holiday with ancient traditions. You are tapping in to the power that that holds." He's right. Everything about Christmas is ancient and well before my time. Everything about Christmas has gradually become combined. Pagans and Christians, Believers and Non-Believers, varied cultural traditions have descended down to us as one big ball of Christmas that we all rush around, chasing, chasing and trying to catch.

I decided this year that I would not chase the ball. I was going to wait for it to come back around to me. Just me...standing still...waiting to be overcome. I was going to let it crash into me, tumble over me, envelop me, transcend me and drown me in its meaning and in its tradition.

So this is what I have done. I waited for it and it came and it crushed me in its overwhelming embrace and I felt overcome by the power of it all and subdued by peace and tranquility as I lost myself in the meaning of it all. I released my inner Pagan Girl and my Christ-believing Woman and they did dance and frolic in delight.

I thought I had lost Christmas as my favorite holiday. It had become so embroiled in expectation and busy-ness and rushing here and there and back again...but this time around, it came back to me in ways unexpected, and while the time for the tree and the lights is waning, and while I am not rushing next year's Christmas back around to me, I am refreshed and rejuvenated and will be ready with open arms when it comes back around again.

Merry Christmas to you. I hope your season was bright and brought you joy.

Much love and peace be upon you as you head into the new year...
T.