I am happy today though, somewhat surprisingly as you have been weighty on my mind of late. I don't know if it was a subconscious thing that I wore all black today...I just wanted to dress up a little today I guess. It gave me a chuckle when I looked down at myself in church and realized I was in all black and correlated it to you being dead and it being Father's Day and all. Kind of morbid humor I know.
I don't know if they blog where you are, or if there is some great library in the sky that you can link up to a mortal Internet connection and hence read what I have written, but, the universe is huge and who am I to assume that you *won't* be able to read this.
You were such a great dad and taught me so much before you cut your mortal probation short. Do you realize I was only 29 when you died? You were 53. That was too young for both of us. I know things happen to everyone, to all people in all walks of life at all ages, but right now--- when I think of your death I'm only thinking of my loss, it is never in perspective with the bigger picture but is always grounded in the "Now" in the center of my purely emotional and very selfish feelings of a child who feels orphaned...is orphaned and abandoned and mourns that loss.
Such a dramatic girl! LOL...that means "Laughing Out Loud" which isn't always what you are doing when you type that...mostly you are smiling or maybe snickering...but I digress.
I have this beautiful quote I found that the minute I read it I thought of you and of me, and I thought it equated perfectly to my sentiments:
"To her the name of 'Father' was another name for love."-- Fanny Fern
This is so true! When I think of "Father" I do think of "Love" no matter the foibles and mistakes I always knew you loved me. I knew that I was a joy to you and that you were not sorry that I belonged to you.
When you died, I was mid-transit coming to you as quickly as I could. I had the boys with me and we were hurrying, hurrying all packed into the tiny little Honda Civic. We were passing through Las Vegas when you passed from this mortal coil into the starry night. I felt you go.
I was so tired and wanted to stop for a quick rest but didn't dare for fear that we would miss you and so I was pushing myself to every limit. It was 11:30 pm and you had died at 11:23 pm.
I was so worried and an overwhelming sense of peace and warmth overcame me, comforting, and I heard the words Dad, I heard them and they were "It's ok. Stop. Rest. There is time. Be at Peace." Tears are rolling down my face as I type this, remembering, but I still know that you were with us.
We didn't make it in time. I felt such devastation and all I could say to mom when we got to her was "Did he know we were coming? Did he know? Did he know we were on our way? Did he know I love him? Did he know?!"
Oh sad heartbreak and sorrow! My heart was broken so completely that it was a breaking of time. It was stunning and unreal. It felt like you were gone on one of your long business trips and you just hadn't come home yet. I knew that wasn't true though and I quietly shut myself in the bathroom that morning where no one could see me, putting my hands to my mouth to stifle, and I wept my bitter and broken hearted tears and sobbed out my loss, whispering "Oh Dad! Dad!"
Even now, these many years later, it seems like we are waiting for you to come home. Aren't you just in Mexico, or Brazil, or maybe just a bit further, in Singapore perhaps? Sometimes that's still what it feels like. Like we are just waiting for you to come home. But you aren't coming back. It will not be here that we will see you again.
But enough of tears and sorrows that cannot be remedied.
Let us reflect on happier times---
As a child you delighted me! I loved being with you, playing with you, though I was firmly aware of what that "one" dad look meant and was always eager not to dissappoint.
Do you remember how much fun we had playing in the swimming pool with all of the kids? How you would pretend you were The Creature From the Black Lagoon, and you would swim with crazy arms after us? We would be laughing in hysterics and could hardly get away! Or when we would race across the pool and when I was on the swim team and finally was fast enough and strong enough to barely beat you? Or when we were in the ocean jumping waves and you would watch us from the shore sticking your toes in proclaiming the water was too cold, until you finally ran through the water and plunged in and came to jump with us?
You were amazing! Do they have pools and oceans where you are now? Do you get to go swimming? Is there anyone you laugh and joke with? Maybe Tia Edy and Tio Fritz? Or maybe Grandma V. and Grandpa L.? Or perhaps other ancestors and friends whose acquaintance you have made?
Mom misses you. She's stays strong though and doesn't cry as much as she used to, but she misses you like crazy. Somedays she still has that faraway sad look, so I try to perk her up with some funny story or some Tracy-drama and a Diet Coke...and a Milky Way Dark if necessary. She's amazing and has grown so much and takes such pride and joy in all of the kids and the grandkids. Speaking of grandkids, you've got quite a few now! No doubt there are more forthcoming---it seems everyone has plans for more.
I'm shooting for one at this point, maybe you can have a chat with the Big Guy up there and see if there is just one little person to spare that he can send my way before my time really does run out. My hope wanes but there's still a spark in there that I keep to myself, even though I continue to prep myself for the worst of all disappointments. But enough of that sadness!
Joyfully baby PJ is getting married! I can hardly believe it. He found himself a sweet and mellow-tempered elementary school teacher---which knowing him and school, bears it's own kind of funny. You would love her dad and PJ is so happy. He is at peace and I think she centers him.
We are all well and we are happy. We have our successes and our failures, our grand worries and our petty desires that seem so important, our loves, our likes, our joys and disappointments. We are living our lives trying to do right and good by our fellow humans. I think you would be...that you are...proud of your children and your wife. It's not the same without you here but we troop along...we are all troopers.
Be well Dad. I love you. Happy Father's Day in the sky. I hope that all of the stars are sparkling, that the moon is bright and that someone cooked you up a fine dinner to celebrate with you and that you know that you are loved on Earth and in Heaven!
Much love and some tears--
Your daughter--
Tracy
As a child you delighted me! I loved being with you, playing with you, though I was firmly aware of what that "one" dad look meant and was always eager not to dissappoint.
Do you remember how much fun we had playing in the swimming pool with all of the kids? How you would pretend you were The Creature From the Black Lagoon, and you would swim with crazy arms after us? We would be laughing in hysterics and could hardly get away! Or when we would race across the pool and when I was on the swim team and finally was fast enough and strong enough to barely beat you? Or when we were in the ocean jumping waves and you would watch us from the shore sticking your toes in proclaiming the water was too cold, until you finally ran through the water and plunged in and came to jump with us?
You were amazing! Do they have pools and oceans where you are now? Do you get to go swimming? Is there anyone you laugh and joke with? Maybe Tia Edy and Tio Fritz? Or maybe Grandma V. and Grandpa L.? Or perhaps other ancestors and friends whose acquaintance you have made?
Mom misses you. She's stays strong though and doesn't cry as much as she used to, but she misses you like crazy. Somedays she still has that faraway sad look, so I try to perk her up with some funny story or some Tracy-drama and a Diet Coke...and a Milky Way Dark if necessary. She's amazing and has grown so much and takes such pride and joy in all of the kids and the grandkids. Speaking of grandkids, you've got quite a few now! No doubt there are more forthcoming---it seems everyone has plans for more.
I'm shooting for one at this point, maybe you can have a chat with the Big Guy up there and see if there is just one little person to spare that he can send my way before my time really does run out. My hope wanes but there's still a spark in there that I keep to myself, even though I continue to prep myself for the worst of all disappointments. But enough of that sadness!
Joyfully baby PJ is getting married! I can hardly believe it. He found himself a sweet and mellow-tempered elementary school teacher---which knowing him and school, bears it's own kind of funny. You would love her dad and PJ is so happy. He is at peace and I think she centers him.
We are all well and we are happy. We have our successes and our failures, our grand worries and our petty desires that seem so important, our loves, our likes, our joys and disappointments. We are living our lives trying to do right and good by our fellow humans. I think you would be...that you are...proud of your children and your wife. It's not the same without you here but we troop along...we are all troopers.
Be well Dad. I love you. Happy Father's Day in the sky. I hope that all of the stars are sparkling, that the moon is bright and that someone cooked you up a fine dinner to celebrate with you and that you know that you are loved on Earth and in Heaven!
Much love and some tears--
Your daughter--
Tracy
1 comment:
Splendid! You should write a book! I can almost feel how much you miss him and cried as I read this, you're so eloquent.
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