My Life Via iPhone

Photo of a Photo: Grace & Tracy 1993

So lately I've really been enjoying my iPhone. I take substandard pictures, often slightly blurry pictures, of everything...mostly because I can directly download them into my Facebook page and share it all with anyone who might be remotely interested or perhaps entirely bored with their own day.

Wall of Radishes: 2010: Food 4 Less: Because it looked beautiful

I download food I have cooked, food I'm about to eat, food that I can't believe that other people eat, views of mountains, oceans and freeways. I take pictures of things I find that I like in a store, flowers that I thought were pretty, and pictures of loved ones and friends that I am with. Due to a recent trip to the grandparents house, I have also started taking pictures of pictures and downloading those too...I'm sorry...I have no scanner, so this is what you get. I figure, you never know when there might be a fire or some kind of terrible disaster, and this way they are preserved forever on my Facebook page...or at least until some online tragedy occurs, which let's be honest, haunts all of us occasionally in the back of our minds.

AMAZING Yogurt we had on our roadtrip to California: I didn't want to forget what kind it was

When I got the iPhone, I thought "AWESOME!!! I have current technology!" Of course this feeling only lasts the millisecond it takes for something new to come out and rob you of this feeling, BUT I was IN the moment and loving it. I realized that I had been sooooo behind the times, but now, I was IT, I was hip and happening! Watch out!! Trendy Girl alert!!

Picture of a picture: my Aunt and Uncle in Brazil: from the 1940's

I was absorbed for the remainder of the afternoon, curled up on the couch and I input names, phone numbers and addresses...and then I found that I could surf the internet--Ahhhhh!!!!!... send email, watch YouTube, and *gasp* TAKE PHOTOS!!! It's true. I squealed like a 15 year old. Let the picture taking begin!!!! Don't have your camera with you?? NO PROBLEM! Let me help you out!

I have 917 photos on my iPhone.

Go ahead...take it in...it took me a minute to absorb the mania I have been under as well.

I can now capture the moment to moment minutiae, and you know what...I love it. No matter how tiny the camera is, it's still not as small as the phone, and the phone is always with you...unless you're my sister...then it could be anywhere...but I digress.

My grandparents with my sister's little boy

So my conclusion... 1 iPhone + 1 Tracy = Happy Happy Joy Joy and Boatloads of moments previously un-caught on film.

Apparently everything you need, all right next to each other...Gin, Vodka and Baby Formula

Now...if I could just figure out how to download them from the phone to the computer...

Calvin "Boone"

Homage to Daddy...Dad...Pai...Papai...Meu Querido Desaparecido...

Well...Today is February 7th and what a day it was 10 years ago. Full of weeping and tears--broken hearts and shattered lives. Regrets. Spoken and unspoken words and tendernesses. The slipping between this life and the next. It was a crushing day. A life altering day.

Today is the 10 year anniversary of my Father's unexpected, untimely and indelibly tragic death.

To any father's out there in the ether--you are valuable.
You are important.
The work you do, the lives you bless, the time you spend, the talks, the playing, the laughing, the disciplining...every special or mundane thing you do...you are making something.
If you don't know what you've made, or if you're not sure if it is good, or as good as you would like it to be--look at it, study it--and go from there.
Children are forgiving and forgetting kinds of creatures, especially when you return with an increase of love.
You are their world if you choose to be it.
Take care.
Love those who love you.
Because when you are gone you will be missed and all that is left is the legacy and the memories that you chose to create.

In his honor...today's post goes with raised glass to him. I love you. I miss you. Here's to you--and to me--and to all of us left behind--until we meet again.

My mom and Dad on one of his business trips to Istanbul, Turkey in the 80's.
She loved traveling with him. They went around the world.
They were crazy in love with each other.

The Charlestown Seafood Festival in Rhode Island.
My Dad is doing the Chicken Dance with my little sister Grace.
She loved it, we loved it, he loved it.
We ate lobster, shrimp, mussels, hush puppies and all kinds of delightful things in the summer sun by the beach.

On the Harley Davidson Fat Boy, with three of my four brothers.
My dad loved this motorcycle.
All of my brothers love motorcycles.
Let's be honest...the WHOLE family loves motorcycles!

One of the first pictures of us together. 1970.
I don't remember this day...
;)

Just me and my dad.
I loved doing stuff with my dad.
We went to the beach, played in the rain, and explored the world together.

One of my first Halloween's...Dad, Mom and I'm the scary Franken-Baby.
Our family has always been big on Halloween.
My dad loved doing spooky makeup, and crazy costumes.
We, still, raid the closets, drawers, attics and jewelry boxes to put together our costumes.

Rhode Island, out walking the forest by our home.
New England in the late Fall, is everything you always thought it might be.
Nothing compares.

I loved the swings. Payson, Utah.
HIGHER!!!

Our family just before we left the U.S. to live for several years in Brazil.
We were so excited.
It was a HUGE adventure.
My sister is the bump in the middle.

During graduate school.
At the time I had a dog named Licorice.
Our house was pink.
I loved school.
This was a blue velvet dress. It was my favorite.

In Rhode Island after church one day.

In N. Eastern Ohio--sledding with my sister.
This is NOT the time she went over a wall and into a creek bumping her "sh-nock-a-nock" on the rocks.

The Sheriff and his Deputy...Dad and brother Dan. California.
I think they look pretty legit.

Christmas in Rhode Island in the home library.
These are not all of the books.

In Brazil with baby brother.

From trampoline to swimming pool...all at the same time.
Tidal wave making time.
The trampoline flew backwards and hit the wall.

Happy Faces. Happy Family.

Annabelle Lee

Miranda by J.W. Waterhouse

From the time I was a little girl, I loved this poem.

I remember it fondly as one of my father's favorites, and he delighted in teaching it to me. It is spooky and haunting and darkly romantic.

Through my exposure to this poem and several others, I had an intensive interest in Edgar Allan Poe during my high school and college years. I read a variety of his dark and brooding haunted works. And, while I enjoyed the other writings, Annabelle Lee remains my favorite.

Annabelle Lee: Edgar Allan Poe

It was many and many a year ago,
In a kingdom by the sea,
That a maiden there lived whom you may know
By the name of Annabel Lee;
And this maiden she lived with no other thought
Than to love and be loved by me.

I was a child and she was a child,
In this kingdom by the sea;
But we loved with a love that was more than love -
I and my Annabel Lee;
With a love that the winged seraphs of heaven
Coveted her and me.

And this was the reason that, long ago,
In this kingdom by the sea,
A wind blew out of a cloud, chilling
My beautiful Annabel Lee;
So that her highborn kinsman came
And bore her away from me,
To shut her up in a sepulcher
In this kingdom by the sea.

The angels, not half so happy in heaven,
Went envying her and me
Yes! that was the reason
(as all men know, In this kingdom by the sea)
That the wind came out of the cloud by night,
Chilling and killing my Annabel Lee.

But our love was stronger by far than the love
Of those who were older than we
Of many far wiser than we
And neither the angels in heaven above,
Nor the demons down under the sea,
Can ever dissever my soul from the soul
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee.

For the moon never beams without bringing me dreams
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;
And the stars never rise but I feel the bright eyes
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;
And so, all the night-tide, I lie down by the side
Of my darling, my darling, my life and my bride,
In the sepulcher there by the sea,
In her tomb by the sounding sea.

Time For an Overhaul...a Revamp...a Facelift....and I don't just mean the blog.

So it's time for a change. The beginning of the year is as good a time as any for a personal reevaluation. An assessment. A hoist-it-up-and-haul-it-over.

In doing some introspecting, I've decided that these past two years have been some of the most interesting. They have been full of ups and downs and so many surprises that you just can't plan for. I found myself at the end of a tunnel full of changes and not really sure where, exactly, I was coming out at. Still not quite sure about that. The landscape is different and I'm still devoid of many answers that I was hoping to have by now.

I know. Cryptic.

I'm pre-40 for another few weeks, and I'm still trying to figure this stuff out. I thought I'd have it all solidified by the time I was 40. I didn't race to turn 40 but I wasn't not looking forward to it either. In fact, it always seemed like the grand and glorious arrival. Truly an adult woman. That I would have it all together.

I always looked at my friends who are any number of years older and was excited for them when they turned 40. It seemed like this amazing, transitional age. They were beautiful, confident, smart, interesting and matured, even if they didn't quite see it that way at the time. I told them, "You're fabulous! Look at everything you've accomplished (to which I would list their individual attributes of fabulousness). You are this amazing woman, and you've made a difference in so many lives." They always looked at me dubiously, not quite believing, sometimes even with a little water in the corner of their eyes or almost imperceptibly tremulous lips, but I *BELIEVED* it. I knew that they were these incredible women, and that they were embarking on the greatest part of their lives.

Well, now I'm here. My turn. And I think I'm feeling what they felt. I'm on the brink of something. I can't quite see what is ahead, and in looking backwards, I'm seeing gaps and chinks in my path. I'm not trying to see my mistakes and my missed opportunities, they are looming over me completely of their own volition. I've told them to move on and get the hell out. There's nothing doing to fix it now, but they just blink at me like large neon signs of failure.

"YOU'RE *STILL* NOT A MOTHER.
...And now that you're almost 40 you probably never will be."
(40 is a tricky number for a girl who always thought her greatest accomplishment and joy would be a big family full of bouncing happy kids.)

"YOU DIDN'T GET YOUR MASTERS DEGREE.
...And if you would've done it several years ago, it would be done by now."
(Why didn't I see that I was going to be a career professional from the get-go??)

"YOU ARE *STILL* OVERWEIGHT.
...And if you had just lost 10 lbs. a year...Was it really so hard to do that??"
(I came across an old journal, it put me in a funk, bad. Because "if only...")

"YOU HAVEN'T WRITTEN YOUR BOOK.
Ideas are nothing if you don't act on them."

You get the ugly picture.

I told my sister about it all, amidst an unusual bout of tears and reckless emotions, that spilled out one morning. I'm not a crier...at least I didn't use to be (so yeah...it looks like I cry now...go figure), so the tears and the feelings have really cramped my style and gotten on my nerves, which somehow only seems to exacerbate the whole "situation." I know I surprised her with my emotional meltdown, because I just really don't have those very often, and if I do, it's never in front of another person, or at least that's how I like it to be.

Anyway, she was very supportive and very comforting. I felt completely ridiculous and like I was spiraling out of control, but honestly, the tears just wouldn't stop. It became so ridiculous it made me laugh, which in turn made me feel better. She and I talked for a bit, and it felt good to share it all with her. I didn't feel so alone in my own mind, clattering around with my self-defeating thoughts, that I was trying to defeat and get rid of, thus far not so successfully! :$

My sister is doing for me, what I was doing for my friends. She's believing in me. She's seeing me from the outside, while I'm only able to see myself from the inside right now. She keeps telling me how wonderful I am. How talented and accomplished I am and have been. She reminds me of me. Her eyes are hopeful, and her voice is true. I know she *BELIEVES* it. She makes me want to believe it too.

So for her, and for my sanity and happiness, I'm trying to take it all on faith. I'm trying to believe that what she says is true. That I have helped people along the way through the years. That I have done good in the world. That I have contributed to the greater good of human kind in my own small ways. I've tried to do so at least, so that is a comfort.

I'm still trying to find my new path. Trying to identify and set my next batch of goals and accomplishments. I'm seeing light, but I don't know what it's shining on yet. I'm hoping it's something really good. And I'm hoping it's not too much longer until I'm able to decipher what it is, so I can get this new show on the road.

Sigh...

I know, I've been absent. Sometimes that's just how life goes.

You think you're engaged and that all of those balls you are juggling are safely in the air, and then *poof* you realize something has dropped and rolled away in the interim, and there you are... juggling... while wistfully looking at that one lost ball that is rolling slowly away and then firmly sticking itself under the refrigerator, or the car, or the bed...or something...somewhere you cannot possibly get to it at the moment. That's how blogging has been over the past few weeks.

Well, for me, I've wiggled under the bed, retrieved the blogging ball, and tossed it back up in the air, hopefully it will stay there for awhile, and hopefully it won't knock somebody else out of their place...not interested in dropping any balls right now.

So, that said, what's the news? What's the happs? What's the goings on? Well, I'll toss out some bones for you Nosey Nellies who are curious...

In no particular order of occurrence or of preference:

I quit my job to become a Stay at Home Wife...a "homemaker" if you will, amongst other, more personal reasons. This was a HUGE, HUGE move for me. I have been in the workforce for over 20 years. I have been an executive professional in a variety of capacities, responsible for money, budgets, deadlines, performance and goals. I'm still getting acclimated and learning how to be the boss of me. It's strange that no one else owns my ass for anything. It's strange and a bit unnerving. Indentured servitude was what I knew and I liked it.

I feel like I've escaped from somewhere and that they are looking for me to drag me back. I dream about the places I've worked, the good and the bad. I dream about the people I've worked with, both the good and the bad. I wake up with a start, feeling like I'm suppose to be somewhere, and positive that I've missed something. It's a whole, new strange world.

I think I've ended one chapter, and am beginning another, but right now...I can't quite read the language and I'm not sure I'm on the right page where this new chapter is suppose to start. I've given up things I knew and had become comfortable with, in exchange for things that I cannot see yet. I don't know this landscape...I don't know the rules of this place. So, I'm working it out, day by day.

*****

I'm listening to Christmas music, Muse, Achtung Baby by U2, and Dawnseeker by Sleepthief

*****

My book club just finished it's fifth year. I can't believe we have kept this thing running for so long! We've had so many things happen, big life events, and small life events. Our membership has rotated around, but there has been a steady core of us that have kept with it. I'm happy for that. I've learned a lot of things about people. I've learned a lot about these women that have become dear to me, these friends of mine. I like having shared time with them, knowing them and their families, their dreams, their lives. It brings me joy to be a part of it.

My top 15 favorite books, in no particular order, that we have read through the years are:

1: Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand
2: The Red Tent by Anita Diamant
3: The Secret Life of Bees by Sue Monk Kidd
4: The Book of Eleanor by Pamela Kaufman
5: East of Eden by John Steinbeck
6: Pillars of the Earth by Ken Follett
7: The Gift of Fear by Gavin DeBecker
8: The Road by Cormac McCarthy
9: A Room of One's Own by Virginia Wolf
10: The Mysteries of Udolpho by Ann Radcliffe
11: Mrs. Mike by Benedict & Nancy Freedman
12: A Long Fatal Love Chase by Louisa May Alcott
13: The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho
14: The Island by Victoria Hislop
15: Dracula by Bran Stoker...I see this typo...but I'm leaving it...Bran Stoker...the vampire writer who needs some fiber...

*****

I've discovered a new television show. First, let me say, I don't watch TV...in that I don't set time aside where I have to be in front of the screen. I don't want TV to control me in any way...except the beginnings of American Idol for the horrific singing...but even then, if I have things to do, I do them. ANYWAY, I'm a CSI fan. Something about the minutiae of murder and the solving of the story, I am hooked. Well, I came across another show that has been on for quite sometimes, Criminal Minds. I've been enjoying episodes here and there. Getting roped in to a whole new series that revolves around deviant and anti social behavior, great, more murder.

*****

Which leads into my next bit...what's with all of the violence...and I mean the violence in real life?? I'm finding it to be the most offensive thing out there. In it's whole...violence is vile. I get how it happens, I understand all of the reasons people give for why they do it...but I just really don't care about any of those reasons at all. Stop with the pity party, stop with the whining.

Stop hitting. Stop shooting. Stop stealing. Stop raping. Stop abusing. Stop molesting. Stop manipulating. Stop yelling. Stop screaming. Stop lieing. Stop torturing. Stop kidnapping. Stop using. Stop hating. Stop controlling. In short...just stop.

So many people have this skewed sense of immediacy and of entitlement. You're not entitled to a lifestyle. You're not entitled to what someone else has earned. You're not entitled to relationships. You're not entitled to take whenever you want to take. No one owes you. Go earn what you want. Deal with your problems and your stresses without putting your hands on someone else to take something from them, whether it be dignity or blood.

If people just behaved, we'd all be better off. And if wishes were fishes we'd all have a fry.

*****

Speaking of entitlement...
Tiger Woods is a moron. He suffers from the "I-Have-Everything-And-Am-So-Unhappy" disease. Get a life...oh wait...yeah, you had one and then you jacked it up because you're a selfish a-hole. Woops...did I just type that out loud??

***

I've been working with some new (and some old) recipes. Here are some of the things I've tried lately:

Cranberry Salsa
Chicken Adobo
Chicken Paprikash
Paprika Hendl
Antipasti Platters
Baked Brie in Filo with Loganberries & Lemon Zest
Alho e Oleo...or Garlic & Oil (Olive) Pasta with Red Pepper and Parmesan
Pomegranate Ginger Punch
Feijoada Completa...and I MEAN completa...
Sauerbraten with Mashed Potatoes
Clam Chowder
Banana Cake with Frosting

Deliciousness is had at our home on a regular basis lately. One of the perks of time and being in my house during the day.

***

I saw New Moon.
I was Team Edward in the books.
I am still Team Edward in the books.
I am no longer Team Edward in the movies.
I am considering converting from Vampires to Werewolves...
I think Bella needs to chill with all of the sighing.

***

I recently celebrated my 17th Wedding Anniversary. Holy Cow.

***

Pie Night was a hit! We had a wonderful time and had a plethora of pies. We had: Banana Cream, Pecan, Pumpkin, Strawberry, Chocolate, Peanut Butter, Strawberry Rhubarb, Coconut Cream, Apple and 2 quiches...or is it quichi?... 1 Broccoli and Cheese and 1 Spinach and Chives. We also had little pulled pork and jalapeno cheese sandwich rolls hot from the oven (thank you Grace), this incredibly amazing lime and cilantro shrimp, mozzarella and spinach salad that my mom made and plenty of drinks and other munchies. It was fun to get together with the family and with friends to have our pre-Thanksgiving celebration! I realized that we have been doing this for 11 years now, wow, how time does fly!

I also really enjoyed Thanksgiving this year. I think it was because it wasn't at my house and I had almost zero prep to do. I really enjoy, nee love, entertaining, but the dynamic of enjoying the party is different when you are the hostess vs. being the guest. I really enjoyed being the guest.

My brother made a picture perfect turkey. Martha Stewart doesn't even compare and I'm totally serious about that...Even if it needed two more hours to cook because, unbeknownst to anyone, the joints were frozen solid, and dinner became an evening supper...but hey...our family is known...infamous even...for late night dinners so it was coup-de-la for blood kin, even if the in-laws were starving.

***

Well, that's it for now...we've had good times, good food, good books, good music and a good rant.

Peace Out Kids...tune in next time...same Bat Time, same Bat Channel.

Surviving Devastation and Turning it Into Spring

Image taken from http://therealsouthkorea.wordpress.com/2009/01/07/spring-in-busan-korea/

While I was still working as a Technical Writer for a small tech company down in Pleasant Grove, Utah, in the community chat it was brought to our attention that the sister-in-law of one of the founding members of the company was going to be on the Oprah Winfrey show.

I decided to check it out and followed the link. What I found touched my heart and broke it. What I found was a woman who had suffered a horrible small plane crash, with her husband. The pilot, a close friend, was killed. Her husband had to bang and rip their way out of the burning aircraft. He got out. She could not. He ran to the window and you can imagine the panic, the desperation and the fear. There was no other way, except the way that he had gone, which apparently was engulfed in flames. Somehow, she turned herself in the direction she need to go and she made it out. She rolled around on the ground putting out the flames. Burns covered over 80% of her body. She was put into a medically induced coma for multiple months so her body could heal. When she woke up, her children did not recognize her, her baby who had only been a few months old at the time of the accident, would not come to her. *She* didn't recognize her.

Her ordeal is not over. However she has walked a good portion of the beginning path in this new life. She has had up days and down days, sad days and glad days, mad days and joyful days, desperation and exaltation.

When I found the link to her blog, I spent a couple of hours, pouring over it--backwards--from most recent to the furthest back. I read her story by days and by moments. At times she made me smile and my heart leapt with her bravery, and her sense of humor. At times, her story and her frustration and heartache brought me to tears.

This woman is a woman of courage. A woman of fortitude. A woman of faith.

She is a woman whose life was catastrophically altered from the happy, beautiful path it had been on--changed into something new, and something different, but hopefully, and what is looking to be, a new, happy and beautiful path, just of a different kind.

Her story also speaks of the power of family; of commitment; of love; of marriage through sickness and through health; it speaks of the power of community and of loving and serving your fellow man. It speaks of seeing the things that are truly important, the things that are inside of a person--not the shallowness of clothes, of cars, of shopping, of physical appearance--not the shallowness of keeping up with the neighbors, or having the latest and greatest of whatever trend is floating about on the moment. There is beauty in the human soul--in the divine spirit that is in all of us, if we will only open our eyes to it, and people, all of these people that walk around us and inhabit this planet with us, are more than just a brain inside a physical vessel of flesh that talks and breathes and eats and does.

She does not know me. I do not know her. But she is a person that can touch you just the same, if you let her. I admire her for her perseverance, for putting her feet on the floor every morning, for her tears and for her love; I admire her for her faith and for her hope; I admire her for not losing her trust in God and in a bigger picture. I admire *Her*.

Her name is Stephanie Nielsen. If you are looking for somewhere that hope is, if you are looking for somewhere where love is, if you are looking for something uplifting or something that will help you to put life into perspective, her story, her perspective, may help you to find those things.

http://nieniedialogues.blogspot.com/

Here's to you Stephanie--may your recovery continue successfully--may your heart always grow--may your faith wax strong--and may you continue to touch the hearts of strangers and loved ones alike.